


If I Knew Then

by FrickingKaos



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 05:22:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 41,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17574686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrickingKaos/pseuds/FrickingKaos
Summary: On his 17th birthday, Nick confesses his deepest darkest secret to Brian but little does he know that Brian is hiding his own.





	1. Chapter 1

The room was filled with people and Nick never felt more alone in his life. It was his birthday and they were celebrating, but celebrating what? To Nick it was just another way to feel like he didn't belong. Lou kept bringing over pretty girls to talk to him but he wasn't interested. He kept excusing himself, hiding in corners of the room or outside by the pool…but people kept finding him and bringing him to be the center of attention. He didn't want to be the center of anything. Especially not today. Not one person in that room even cared to know the real Nick, just Nick Carter the Backstreet Boy. The teen heartthrob. The one who sold records. The cute one. Nick looked bitterly at the lavish party and sulked. He just wanted to be alone. 

 

"Are you okay?" Brian asked when he noticed that Nick wasn't having any fun at his own birthday party. 

 

"Would I be lying if I said yes?"

 

"You never have been a very good liar, you know."

 

Nick half smiled and looked at his feet. He was seventeen today but he looked so much older, as if something had been weighing down on his mind for years. Brian looked at him skeptically and Nick looked at his feet again.

 

“Fine, you caught me. No, Bri. I'm not okay."

 

Brian sat down on the couch next to him and put a hand on Nick's knee, smiling. 

 

"Want to get out of here for a while? It looks like you want to be alone." he offered. Nick turned his head sideways and looked at him, the same way a dog would. Brian chuckled. It was one of Nick's quirks that made him endearing. 

 

"But if you come, it doesn't count as being alone."

 

"We can be alone together. Come on. We can shoot hoops." Brian said with a small smile. Nick agreed and without anyone noticing they were gone, they'd slipped out of the party that Lou had thrown for Nick in New York...going to the nearest basketball court. Nobody else was around and they decided to just toss around the ball for fun. 

 

"So...are you going to ask me what is wrong with me, or are we going to pretend we want to play Horse?" Nick asked, chuckling at Brian. 

 

They’d been on tour for months and Nick had definitely been acting differently, at least Brian had noticed because they were so close. 

 

“I don't know. Depends on you.” He said.

 

Nick smiled and passed him the ball. Brian dribbled it before passing it back. He loved playing basketball together, it was relaxing and he liked to spend time with Nick. They listened to the sound of the city traffic nearby and continued their game.

 

"I would have gotten to that eventually. So you wanna tell me why we ditched the party? There were a lot of cute girls there."

 

Nick took a few running steps and shot the ball into the basket, missing. The ball bounced and Brian picked it up. 

 

"I wasn't interested."

 

Brian dropped the ball in surprise, Nick Carter not interested in pretty girls? He never thought he would see this happen, as many times when girls were around Nick put on a show for them. He loved attention. His mother always told the guys stories about how girls would gather at the fence in front of their house to watch Nick sing in their yard or play on the trampoline. 

 

"Why not?"

 

"Brian, if I told you something....would you think any different of me? We are best friends, right?" Nick said. Brian walked over and put his arm around his friend's neck, hugging him. Nick's eyes were watering and he looked down in shame. 

 

 

“Of course we are.”

 

“Cause when I tell you, you might not want to be my friend anymore.” 

 

Brian looked at him in confusion but his face softened when he saw him crying. He was visibly upset and this was such a change from a half hour ago. What could he possibly have to tell him that would make him so upset? 

 

"Hey, don't cry. . It's your birthday....and why wouldn't I be friends with you anymore? I could never stop being your friend, Nick. That's what best friends are for. We are here for each other. Forever."

 

Nick wiped his eyes and stared into Brian's, their blue pupils reflecting each other. Nick truly wanted to believe Brian but he knew that this information would probably end up destroying their friendship. He’d spent a good amount of time thinking about who he could talk to and eventually decided that Brian was the best choice. Nobody else would have understood. Or so he thought. 

 

Brian shook his head. He was really worried now, wondering what Nick could possibly be getting at. 

 

“Really? You mean that?” 

 

"Nick there's no way I would ever stop being your friend."

 

"You promise?"

 

"I swear."

 

Nick held out his hand. "We need to shake on it."

 

"Frack, you're being ridiculous. I would never abandon you. Now what is it you're so upset about?" 

 

"Just shake. Please." 

 

Although he didn't see a need to, Brian took his hand and they firmly shook them before Nick's hands retreated to his pockets. Nick seemed to be satisfied. Brian opened his mouth to speak but before he could Nick blurted.... 

 

 

"I think I might be gay."

 

Brian felt his eyes widen but it suddenly made sense. All those times Nick was avoiding him or acting strangely around him. Avoiding the girls at the party. Dodging questions from the press about relationships. He wasn't sure how to feel about any of this and he was even questioning his own thoughts on the subject. Nick didn't seem the type to be gay. This had to be a dream, but Brian knew he wasn't imagining anything. This was real. Nick kept looking at him, expecting some sort of reply. Brian didn't know what to do. Things got very awkward and quiet and neither of them spoke. 

 

Brian didn't say anything for a long time, they just stood there in silence, Nick chewing at his lip, his chest heaving faster with anxiety from not talking. The silence was almost deafening. He eventually picked up the ball out of nervousness and threw it at the hoop. It missed and angrily fell to the ground. Nick's eyes were watering again with unshed tears because Brian didn’t answer fast enough. He knew Brian would not accept him. He knew nobody would. 

 

"You hate me." he whispered. 

 

Brian felt a surge of rage rush through him, followed by disappointment. Disappointed with himself for not speaking or reacting at Nick's confession. He grabbed Nick's shoulders and looked up at him, watching tears roll down Nick's face. 

 

"Nick. I never want to hear you say that again. I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You're my best friend. Okay?" he said. Nick nodded and wiped his eyes. 

 

"I….I had to tell somebody. I just been feeling so weird about it and I don't know what to do. What if Lou finds out? What if the guys find out, the fans? I'll get kicked out of the group. I can't be gay…” he started rambling and punishing himself, all while crying, saying he was going to be the reason the group failed and that it wasn't normal. He said that he was ashamed and sorry. 

 

"Look, this doesn't have to leave this basketball court. Just don't tell anyone. Your secret is safe with me until you want to talk to everyone about it." Brian offered hastily, trying to smooth things over. Nick's eyes narrowed. 

 

"But Brian, I can't just lie. Don't you see that's why I'm not happy? I'm not happy pretending to be something I am not. I have been miserable keeping this. You heard Lou at the party. I'm the group’s meal ticket. The golden boy. I can't like boys. Please help me. Help me be normal.”

 

“I don't know how to do that.”

 

Brian knew deep down that Nick was right. Lou would always say that Nick was very marketable and would be even more so when he got older. That he was the group’s shining star. Brian didn't like that idea. He could see the pressure it was putting on all of them. He wanted to tell Nick that he accepted him, that nothing would change but be knew this was a lie. This would ruin everything and he had to think quickly.

 

"Nick...trust me. It's better if you didn't tell anyone. I won't say anything. Just act like you've always been and maybe it will just go away."

 

Nick frowned, feeling sick to his stomach. He had left out the most important detail about his confession. This feeling wouldn’t simply go away no matter how much Brian tried to convince him otherwise. 

 

That he was in love with Brian. 

 

Nick and Brian finished their game and went back to the party, which was dwindling down. Brian seemed distant after they'd gotten back so Nick didn't tell him anything else. He kept to himself and just thought about what Brian said. Yes, maybe it was better to just hide and pretend- to play his role like Lou wanted. He was miserable but at least he wouldn't be responsible for the group breaking up. 

 

Brian had made it perfectly clear he didn't accept him and Nick knew this would be for the best in the end. It had to be. 

 

He didn't know that Brian had a secret of his own.


	2. Chapter 2

Brian stood by the wall, leaning on it and breathing deeply. He'd been feeling kind of winded through rehearsal for their new music video, As Long As You Love Me. The routine involved chairs and a lot of steps….not that the dancing was strenuous but he hadn't been feeling well. 

 

“Are you okay?” Nick asked from the doorway. He'd been napping in the next room on the couch. They were filming a few music videos that week and they were very excited and tired at the same time. Long hours were put into the shoots and sometimes they had to take a break. Nick was still young. 

 

“I'm fine, I'm just…tired.” Brian huffed. His chest immediately yelled at him as if it were telling him I told you so. Some days the pain was bad, then others it wasn’t. He didn’t know what was causing it but felt there was no need to worry about it yet, no need to worry anyone else with his problems. 

 

“You look like you're going to blow chunks.” Nick remarked. 

 

“You always have a way with words, don't you?” Brian laughed. He stopped and stared at Nick and looked him over, he wasn't even sure why but something had caught his eye. He looked different somehow. Nick was wearing all black, his hair parted in the middle...it set off his eyes. He looked really good. Brian didn't know why he even thought that Nick looked good but shook it off. Ignoring his own thoughts about Nick, they went into the main room of the hangar where the video was being shot. The two of them tossed around a basketball to kill time. 

 

“Have you seen these models they got? Pretty hot…” AJ said suddenly, bounding over. Brian looked up, he knew there would be girls in this shoot too but didn't see who was chosen. They didn't really have a say. 

 

“Who cares?” Nick muttered as he bounced the basketball softly. AJ looked at him curiously but Brian acted like nothing was happening. Nick was not interested in the girls at all, he only wanted to play basketball with Brian.

 

“Nick, my friend….you need to get out more. Come on, Brian. Let's check out the girls.” AJ laughed. Brian nodded and they went out to the trailers. The girls were hanging around wardrobe, getting fitted for their costumes. Howie had just finished with his and was chatting to them. 

 

“Where were you guys?” he asked. His hair was up in an Afro style and everyone laughed. 

 

“Nice hair, Howie…” 

 

Howie rolled his eyes and smiled at AJ, pushing him playfully. “Shut it, Jay.” 

 

“Nick was moping so we left him and decided to come out here.” Brian explained. AJ thought this was very funny and laughed loudly. Brian laughed but someone caught his eye. One of the women with long blond hair down her back and a big smile. The girls came over to introduce themselves. 

 

“Hi, ladies. You can call me AJ.” 

 

The girls seemed to like AJ, but there was one in particular that caught Brian's attention…the blonde. He was attracted to her almost right away. Something about her caught his eye. 

 

“Wow….” he whispered breathlessly. 

 

 

Nick finally decided to come outside and found Brian talking to the girls…he felt a little jealous. They were very pretty but he didn't feel anything for them and it killed him a little bit inside knowing he didn't have that connection to the opposite sex. It only reminded him that he wasn't like the others. 

 

Brian seemed particularly interested in the one girl and Nick didn't like it. 

 

“So do you live in LA?” 

 

“I am out here while I'm trying to find work as an actress, I know it's kind of a hard field to get into but I was really happy to get chosen for this shoot.” 

 

Nick looked her over, she was a bit taller than Brian, long blonde hair and a nice smile. She seemed friendly but Nick couldn’t help but feel jealous. 

 

Brian turned to see Nick standing next to him. He could already feel a weird vibe but pretended not to notice. Nick clearly didn't like this girl at all. 

 

“This is my band mate, Nick. Nick, this is…. What was your name again?”

 

“Leighanne Wallace.” 

 

“She's one of the girls that's going to be in our video.” 

 

“Cool.” Nick said stiffly. 

 

Brian already felt tension and wasn't sure why. 

 

Leighanne held out a hand and looked Nick up and down. She smiled but he didn't smile back, he just shook her hand and was quiet. 

 

“Nice to meet you. I met some of the other guys already but I've just been talking with Brian, and-”

 

“That's cool. Brian and I were going to check out the breakfast table, right Brian?” Nick interrupted. Brian turned away and continued talking to Leighanne, ignoring him. Nick walked off looking hurt. 

 

“Is he okay?” Leighanne asked, watching Nick walk away. 

 

“He'll be fine, he's just- tired.” he lied as he once again ignored the gentle throbbing in his chest. He didn't understand what was going on, but was sure Nick was just stressing him out. It was almost as if Nick were jealous. What confused him even more was that he was concerned he hurt him somehow by talking to Leighanne. Brian didn't like this at all, he wasn't interested in Nick like that. They were just friends, after all. 

 

Just friends and nothing else. Right? 

 

 

After the video shoots were done the boys were busier than ever. Brian still found time to talk to his new lady friend. Well, he couldn't very well call her his girlfriend but he liked her a lot. They'd exchanged phone numbers and emails. Long nights spent talking on the phone and messaging. It was nice to have someone to talk to that wasn't one of the guys. Someone who made him feel like Brian and not Brian the Backstreet Boy. He felt comfortable with her in a way he never did with his last girlfriend, Samantha. He'd broken up with Samantha because he was too busy for a relationship at the time. The Backstreet Boys were just starting out and he knew she wouldn't be able to handle him being away so much. 

 

The difference between Leighanne and Samantha was that Nick liked Samantha. It was clear he didn't like Leighanne. Brian had even gone and asked Nick what the issue was. 

 

“I was just cranky, Rok. Don't read much into it. I am happy for you. I promise.” Nick said somewhat stiffly. 

 

“If you're not cool with her, I just want to know what the deal is. Cause I really like her and your opinion matters to me. You liked Sam.” 

 

“Sam wasn't an actress. I just am looking out for you. Be careful. You know how me and Mandy worked out. She was a singer.” 

 

Brian made sure he dropped his voice to a whisper and that nobody was around before he spoke again. 

 

“Nick, you broke up with Mandy because you are gay.” 

 

“That's besides the point.” Nick hissed. 

 

“But you're still gay, aren't you?”

 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

 

“Well, you chose it, not me. How would I know?”

 

Nick looked at Brian as if he were offended but changed his facial expression altogether to hide it. He was definitely hurt and Brian felt bad. He knew he was making Nick feel uncomfortable. 

 

“I didn't choose to be who I am, Brian. It's what I am. You're the only one who knows about it and it's staying that way. I know how much this group means to everyone. So if you want to date old what's her face….go ahead because I don't care.” Nick snapped. 

 

Brian wanted to just bury himself after that because Nick refused to speak to him the rest of the day. 

 

He went to sleep that night with the dull aching in his chest as a reminder that he'd screwed up and he had to make things right somehow. Brian just didn't know how.


	3. Chapter 3

“You guys, this music video is going to be awesome.” Nick said, walking into the airplane hangar that they'd rented for the video shoot of As Long As You Love Me. The concept of the video had been discussed back and forth and the guys were pretty excited to see how it would all unfold. 

 

“I wonder what kind of girls they got for us, huh Nick? They are coming soon. You can be my wingman since you are a bachelor again.”AJ said, elbowing him. Nick smiled but rolled his eyes when he wasn't looking. He became aware Brian was watching suddenly and he coughed. 

 

“I didn't know you and Mandy split. I thought you liked her.” Brian said. 

 

“Nick wants to play the field.” AJ said. Nick wanted to hit him, he'd told him that he wasn't interested in a relationship and needed to be on his own for a while. This lie was so good he believed it. The truth was, he wasn't sure what he wanted. 

 

“Uh…I'm not really looking for anyone. Mandy and I just broke up like…last weekend.” Nick lied. He hadn't totally fibbed but in fact they'd broken up two days ago. It was messy because Nick had told her he just wasn't interested in a relationship right now. He was still figuring things out and a girl would just get in the way. 

 

“Lame.” AJ said, shaking his head. 

 

Brian and Kevin played catch until the girls got there, and he dropped the ball when he saw Leighanne Wallace. She was blonde and fair, long hair down past her shoulders. Kevin smiled as he watched his cousin walk over. Nick watched, feeling a little bit jealous and then shaking it away. 

 

 _He doesn't belong to you. He's just your friend._

 

The voice in his head came and went. 

 

Nick knew that things were about to change, and he had a feeling that it was not going to be good. 

 

As the months passed, Brian and Leighanne started to get more serious. Nick went back to Mandy and gave her a second chance just because Brian had suggested that he should. Nick wasn't ready to settle down but Brian seemed like he was more than anything…he and Leighanne were attached at the hip. Late night phone calls were a common thing. Nick hated when they happened, as he and Brian usually shared a room. Gone were the days of ordering pizza and playing video games until the sun came up…Nick was often left alone. He started to gain weight and stop caring about himself. Everyone noticed his attitude changing. It got worse as time went on and Brian drifted away. He was angrier and kept to himself. 

 

The Millennium tour was going on a second leg overseas and as they arrived at the hotel, they got their room arrangements. 

 

“Nick, you'll be with AJ.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because he’s bringing his girlfriend.” 

 

The word “girlfriend” sounded almost foreign to Nick now, especially after his relationship with Mandy ended….and he was still coming to terms with his sexuality. Things were not going well for him but he noticed over time that Brian was changing. 

 

Nick honestly didn't care, but the difference surprised him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Brian and Leighanne, his hand on her waist as they laughed. They looked so happy and it only made Nick feel worse. 

 

“Are you okay?” Kevin asked. Nick was struggling with a bag and had thrown it to the ground. It popped open and clothes fell out…Nick yelled in frustration. 

 

“This suitcase is a piece of shit. I got it.” he snapped. Kevin jumped at the tone of his voice. Nick had never spoken to him like that. Nick continued to struggle with his luggage, having trouble with lifting it. 

 

“Maybe you should work out a bit more, and stop eating so much.“ Leighanne winked. Brian began cracking up and Nick turned red. Why was his best friend acting like this? It didn't make any sense. Brian would always defend him. Nick was hurt. He was silent on the ride in the elevator up to their rooms. When he got there, AJ was already looking in the mini bar. 

 

“Whoa, who's dog died?” he said suddenly, noticing Nick's expression. 

 

“It's nothing.”  Nick said, flopping down on the bed and burying his face in the pillow. He hated rooming with AJ. 

 

“Maybe this will mellow you out.” AJ offered, holding out a beer. 

 

“I'm not old enough.” 

 

“This is not America, Nick. You look like shit. Have a drink. It will make you feel better.” 

 

Nick looked at the beer, hesitating. He knew how alcohol had messed up his family. He had sworn to stay away from it but seeing as he was upset…what could it hurt? 

 

Brian stood in the shower, trying to relax enough to maybe take a short nap. He let the hot water run over his back, allowing his muscles to relax. The water felt good, being alone with his thoughts was even better. He was in need of some Brian time. 

 

The tour was going great, but Nick's attitude was starting to kill it. Having Leighanne there was a great distraction. He loved being around her and she helped keep him grounded. Nick, however… well Nick was starting to get a bit cocky, at least Brian thought so. He seemed to enjoy the attention the new album was bringing. Brian had been watching Nick change. The kid was growing up, but he wasn't acting like the Nick everyone knew. He was heading down a dark road. Brian knew he should help but he also knew that Nick was holding him back. He wanted a family. A family would make him feel normal again, and get rid of the strange feelings he'd been having. 

 

“Don't let him drag you down…” the little voice said to him often when Nick would be over sleeping, or causing some kind of trouble. He'd stopped defending him and kept to himself. 

 

That night, the guys were supposed to be going out to dinner, as a group….but when it came time to meet in the lobby downstairs, Nick and AJ were nowhere to be found. Kevin was getting angry, he hated being late for anything. 

 

“Brian, we gotta go see what's keeping them.”

 

Brian rolled his eyes. He was already annoyed that his girlfriend couldn't come. He didn't want to play babysitter too. 

 

“Why don't you bring Howie?” 

 

“I don't know what is going on with you and Nick, but fine. Howie…you coming?” Kevin said, his hands up in exasperation. Howie nodded and they went upstairs. 

 

 

Nick was not feeling good. 

 

“AJ…”

 

He didn't know where AJ had gone but he knew one thing, that he wanted to vomit. Then someone was knocking on their door but he ignored it. He and AJ had been drinking for a while and he felt woozy but not totally wasted yet. Nick figured it was housekeeping and ignored it.

 

“AJ? Where are you? I think we are supposed to be downstairs.” he said a bit louder this time. He opened the bathroom to find him slumped against the bathtub on the floor, a empty beer bottle next to him. 

 

The pounding on the door got louder and Nick heard Kevin yell so he went to open it, finding Kevin and Howie standing there looking highly annoyed. 

 

“What is wrong with you two? You knew we had reservations and you're up here fucking around.”

 

Nick hiccuped and Kevin sighed in frustration. 

 

“Are you drunk?” Kevin hissed. Nick shrugged and looked down at the floor.

 

“Where the fuck is AJ?” he asked when he came into the room. There were beer bottles strewn around the room and Howie picked one of them up, looking disappointed. 

 

“I dunno we had a couple of beers. He's passed out.” 

 

“Please tell me you're joking.” Kevin said in an oddly calm voice, his hands pressed together and resting in front of his nose like he was trying not to blow up. 

 

“I'm not dude. He's in there. I'm not his fucking babysitter.”

 

Kevin walked away and Nick could hear him trying to wake up AJ. 

 

“Why were you drinking, Nick? You're underage.” Howie said disapprovingly. 

 

“I was pissed off and AJ said it would help. “ Nick answered, realizing how dumb he sounded. Drinking wasn't a way to help the feelings go away, but it helped for a little while. It couldn't be that bad. Maybe there was something to it after all. 

 

“Pissed off about what?” Howie asked, but Nick ignored him.

 

“Nothing that matters anymore.”

 

Nick listened to Kevin yell at AJ, leaving his own thoughts to marinate. He'd figure it all out eventually.


	4. Chapter 4

The boys woke up early again the next day to shoot another music video for the song Everybody. Everyone was still tired from the shoot last night for All I Have To Give, but were ready to put in another long day. 

 

“You ready to go down to the set?” Kevin asked them as they finished their first cups of coffee for the day. Nick seemed distant and he was right to be. All he could think about was Brian and that girl...Brian wouldn’t stop talking about her after they were done filming and he’d exchanged numbers with her. What was so great about her? She didn’t play basketball. She didn’t seem like she liked pizza or video games. Who would want to date someone like that? Just because she had boobs Brian thought she was the best thing since sliced bread. 

 

“Man, you lucked out with her, she’s got a nice rack.” AJ told Brian before Brian went to get Howie. 

 

“There are more to women than boobs.” Brian laughed as he walked away. 

 

Nick rolled his eyes and continued sulking. 

 

“I could have boobs if I wanted to.” Nick muttered to himself angrily, mocking Brian when his back was turned.

 

“What did you say?” Howie asked with a confused look as he and AJ walked over. 

 

Nick scoffed to himself, ignoring them while staring at his half empty coffee cup and scowling as he tore up a paper napkin. 

 

“Anything eating away at your soul?” AJ asked, patting him on the back. Nick made a face and pretended everything was fine. 

 

“I’m cool.”

 

“You can tell me, you know. Is it Mandy?” 

 

“Something like that.” Nick lied. The truth was, Nick was afraid that Brian was going to leave him behind like everyone else did. That he would lose the one he truly cared about. But who was he kidding? Brian wasn’t gay. He didn’t love him back. At least not that he knew. 

 

Deep down, something told him he was very wrong. 

 

For Nick, all of these emotions he was having were confusing him because he knew it was wrong. After all, his friends all liked girls and Brian even told him to pretend everything was normal. Why couldn’t he? He’d tried to date Amanda- well, Mandy as she preferred to be called but it wasn’t working out because he had no sexual attraction to her whatsoever. Their break up was quite messy and it had involved a huge argument that he could still hear in the back of his head. Part of him wondered if he was maybe bisexual but it was too confusing to even think of that right now. No, there was something else stirring and he didn’t know how to deal with it. 

 

The something was most definitely what he’d been suspecting for a while, that he was just not attracted to her in the way that she wanted him to be. He hated that he hurt her but he didn’t want to lie to her. So they broke up over the phone one night and she was calling him but he did not answer any of them. Eventually she stopped trying to contact him altogether. The guys would tease him about Mandy every so often and he laughed but it bothered him how much he hurt her. 

 

He just figured that he would make sense of things eventually and everything would be okay again. 

 

 

Brian had noticed Nick’s attitude towards everyone and tried to make him laugh, tried to play and joke like they always did because there was a camera filming them for a behind the scenes video they were shooting that week. The camera had been following them through all of the video shoots they’d been doing for a all access movie they’d release for the fans. The boys were excited to share a bit of themselves with the fans that they did not get to see otherwise, but Nick seemed the most distant. 

 

“What’s eating you today?” 

 

“Huh? Nothing. I’m just tired from last night, remember how I fell asleep and they didn’t get me for the solo shot for All I Have To Give? Kevin was mad at me.” Nick lied when they were in the bathroom washing their hands. There was no camera here so Brian took the opportunity to ask what was going on. Nick was definitely avoiding him and he wondered why. 

 

“You are acting weird. Is it because of Leighanne?” Brian asked. 

 

“You just met her, and I told you I didn’t care about that. Did you ask her out yet?” Nick replied, drying his hands with a paper towel and throwing it in the garbage. They were wanted in hair and makeup soon to transform into their monster costumes for the video. Nick was mostly just excited to do the monster outfits because he’d come up with the idea and the guys liked it. 

 

“I think I’m gonna call her later and see if she wants to have dinner on Saturday.” Brian said thoughtfully. He hadn’t felt attraction to someone like this since he and Samantha broke up and it felt great, he couldn’t wait to see Leighanne again. 

 

Nick was silent and Brian could definitely feel the tension. 

 

“Are you sure you are okay with me and her seeing each other, cause your opinion matters to me and I really like Leigh. She’s a nice girl.” 

 

Brian kind of stared him down and then continued with his speech but Nick wasn’t listening. 

 

“You just met her yesterday, what is the big deal exactly with her?” Nick blurted out.

 

“I guess you wouldn’t understand because you...well...you know.” Brian whispered as he looked around to see if anyone was eavesdropping. 

 

“No, I don’t know.” 

 

“Because you’re gay.” Brian said, whispering the last word as if it were taboo. Nick did not like how he kept acting like being gay was something to tiptoe around. 

 

“I am still figuring things out, and I wish you wouldn’t talk about it that way. I’m not sure exactly what I want yet.” 

 

“Sure, whatever you say Frack.” Brian said, rolling his eyes. Nick had to restrain himself from punching him because it was very clear again that Brian did not accept or support him. They were supposed to be best friends so Nick decided that to be spiteful he would lie about Leighanne like Brian lied about supporting him. 

 

“I’m happy for you. Really. Don’t worry about me...I’m fine.” Nick smiled, putting a hand on Brian’s shoulder as they walked out of the bathroom. The camera was nowhere to be found and the two of them were kind of glad for it. Brian went to the dressing room to get his makeup and hair done and Nick walked away, thinking about a lot of things. 

 

One of them being how all of this started.

 

At first it was little things like the way Brian smelled after he took a shower, or the way the corners of his eyes crinkled when he smiled real big. The way he felt when he would wrap his arms around him to hug him. Sleeping in the same bed on tour whine they were younger because he liked to hear the sound of Brian’s heartbeat next to his even though he let him think it was because he was afraid to be alone. He felt safe with Brian, something he had not felt with anyone else and he was only 17. Wasn’t he too young to fall in love? 

 

Nick did not know the answer to this question but he felt something and he was falling hard. He was definitely jealous of Brian talking to those girls the day before. He wanted Brian to be happy so he would put on a smile and let it run its course. They were going back to Germany for shows in about a couple weeks anyway...Nick was sure that this infatuation would not last. 

 

 

That night Brian asked Leighanne out and to Nick’s disappointment, she didn’t say no. They had a date for Saturday night and it bothered him because Brian seemed more interested in this girl than hanging out with him. They talked on the phone for hours, until Nick got sick of it and left the room, wandering the hotel. He thought some more, thought about Mandy, about being gay, about his feelings and about Brian. He felt sick because he did not know what to do about any of it. 

 

He doesn’t accept or love you, you need to move past this or it will get awkward. You know it’s gotta be done. 

 

Deep down, the little voice that constantly he constantly argued with won this round.


	5. Chapter 5

Brian whistled as he got ready for his lunch date with Leighanne a couple of days later. They were going to a place in LA on Wilshire Boulevard that Leighanne knew from being a local and Brian couldn’t wait to eat. He got up early to take a shower while Nick sat in front of the TV in his underwear, eating from a open box of cereal and watching some cartoon. He almost laughed at him because he was such a kid still. 

“Where you going? We don’t have to be anywhere today.” Nick commented, his mouth full of Lucky Charms.

“I am seeing Leighanne today, I thought you knew that.” Brian said, picking out some fresh clothes to wear from his suitcase. Nick turned back to the TV and rolled his eyes out of Brian’s view. 

_How could I forget you and boob job Barbie having your stupid date._

If Nick rolled his eyes any further he felt they would fall out. 

“I’m gonna be in the shower if she calls the room or anything, then I’m heading over to the restaurant.” 

“Bring me back something to eat.” Nick mumbled with his mouth full of cereal again. They didn’t have any milk in the refrigerator in their hotel room that Lou was paying for and Nick hated eating his cereal dry, but he liked the little marshmallows and was busily popping them into his mouth. 

“You’re always hungry.” Brian teased, as he started to undress. Nick blushed and pretended he wasn’t staring...Brian suddenly felt uncomfortable and stopped. Nick never used to watch him and now that he knew he was gay, or possibly gay- he wasn’t sure if he should change his clothes in front of him anymore. Nick being gay confused him and although he was trying to be supportive, he would be lying if he didn’t say it made him feel weird about their close friendship. Lots of things that made sense before just felt strange to him now. 

 

After Brian went into the bathroom, Nick heard the door lock and sat there for a minute or two, thinking of ways to keep Brian from going on his date. He truly was happy for him but there was something about this girl that set him off and he had no idea why. His eyes spotted Brian’s wallet on the dresser and he smiled.

 _“If he can’t pay for the lunch she won’t be impressed with him because she is probably only after his money.”_ Nick thought to himself as he got up off the floor. He quickly hid the wallet inside a dresser drawer and snickered, thinking of what Leighanne would say when Brian couldn’t pay. 

 

After plotting his little scheme, Nick went back to watching the cartoons as he balanced the cereal box in his lap sitting Indian style on the floor. As if on cue, the water shut off and Brian took a while to get dressed in the bathroom, which Nick was surprised by because usually he just got ready in the room. He came out wearing a nice pair of pants and a shirt, his hair slicked back. Nick pretended he did not notice but Brian was wearing some new cologne that had a really nice scent. 

“I’ll be back later, maybe we can play Mario Kart or something when I come back from lunch.” Brian said, checking himself one more time in the mirror and spraying the cologne on himself as he fixed his hair.

“Okay.” Nick muttered, drinking in the scent like it was a drug and he needed a fix. Brian walked past and chuckled at him, ruffling his hair as he went by. 

“See you.” 

“Have fun.” Nick said as Brian closed the door, staring at the door for a few minutes after it closed, thinking to himself. 

 

“Hi, Brian. I’m so happy you asked me to lunch. I hope you like this place, it’s one of my favorites.” Leighanne said when she met up with him outside the restaurant. 

“Sounds great, I’m hungry.” Brian smiled. They went to a comfort food restaurant called Cravings, that offered many different dishes. Brian held the door for her and held her chair out, and she smiled the whole time. There was definitely an attraction right away. They ordered their food, and started talking about all kinds of things. Brian listened intently as Leighanne talked about her acting career, her childhood and what she wanted to do as an actress. Brian talked about music and his dreams as well. They had a great conversation and ate, laughing and talking like they were old friends. 

“So you think your band will be around a long time?” Leighanne asked as she finished eating her chicken. Brian had not really thought about how to answer a question like this but he supposed that he wanted to be a part of the group for as long as he possibly could. He really enjoyed doing music and making people happy, being with his friends. 

“I sure hope so. The guys really want it too. I like being with my friends and my cousin...we always have a great time performing.” 

“I see how close you are with them.” Leighanne smiled. 

Brian finished eating his burger and went to his iced tea, smiling back. He could stare into her eyes forever if she would let him...but something about all of this did not feel complete and he decided not to dwell on it. 

“Here's your bill.” the waitress said with a smile as she set down their check. 

“I'll get it.” Brian offered as he reached into his pants pocket. His smile slid off his face as his hands sifted through empty pockets. 

“Is everything okay?” Leighanne asked in concern. 

“I seem to have misplaced my wallet.” Brian said as his face turned red. Leighanne laughed and took out her purse, paying for their meal. 

The two of them left and went walking for a little while down Wilshire Boulevard, talking some more. 

“I'll pay you back, I feel like such a ass. I'm so sorry about all that.” Brian apologized. Leighanne took his hand and patted it, smiling. 

“Really it's not a big deal. Things happen. I hope nobody stole it.”

Brian suddenly wondered if Nick tried to sabotage the date by hiding his wallet. He suddenly felt very angry. Nick didn’t like Leighanne, would he do something like that? Signs pointed to yes. Leighanne drove him back to where they were staying because he didn’t have enough money to take a cab back and he brought her up to the room. It sounded like AJ and Nick were watching wrestling or something on TV because there was a lot of noise.

“Is there a wild party going on in there?” Leighanne laughed.

“No, just the kids messing around.” Brian laughed. He wanted so badly to kiss her but he knew it was their first date. He was on the fence about doing it because he wanted to be a gentleman. 

“Did you have a good time?” he asked instead. 

“I was hoping you'd ask that. I did…so is there a second date in the future for us then?” 

“Things are looking good.” Brian winked. He went to say goodnight to her but she leaned in and their lips touched. They kissed and for a few moments Brian forgot about his chest pain, about Nick and about everything that was weighing down on his mind. It was like his mind was a huge garbage can and someone finally took out the trash. 

“I want to see you again.” Leighanne whispered into his ear when they finally parted. Brian didn’t know how he was so lucky to find her, an older woman after his own heart. The only trouble was that the boys were about to go back on tour overseas and he hoped that she would be okay with this. He should have brought it up during the date but didn’t see a need to just now. This girl didn’t seem like Samantha so he had a good feeling she would understand about his work. She was in the entertainment industry being an actress so Brian felt that she would be okay with him being away so much. 

“That can be arranged. I’ll call you?” Brian said, pecking her on the cheek before she left. Brian went into the hotel room to find not only Nick and AJ but also Howie watching a movie on the television. 

 

“Hey lover boy, how was your lunch?” AJ called from the bed, where he and Howie were laying. Nick was sitting on Brian’s bed next to them, playing his Game Boy and did not look up. He could see that Brian had a good time without asking him, the look in his eyes was one of love. 

“She’s amazing but something interesting happened on my date.” Brian said suddenly. 

“You mean other than you guys making out in the hall just now?” AJ teased, as Howie elbowed him in the stomach. Nick rolled his eyes. 

“Well, it went great until I realized that I did not have my wallet. Any idea where that went, Nick?” Brian snapped. Nick shrugged. 

“No, not really.” 

AJ and Howie watched, knowing a argument was about to erupt between the two of them. 

“Nick, did you try to ruin my date on purpose?”

“No.” Nick lied, still playing his Game Boy. Brian snatched it out of his hand and went towards the window across the room, opening it. He held it out as Nick ran over, trying to grab it from him.

“You are full of shit, Nick. Tell me the truth or your Game Boy is going to learn how to fly.” 

AJ found this hilarious so he started laughing until Howie hit him in the stomach. 

“Knock it off you guys.” Howie shouted. He wished Kevin was here to break this up because he was better at it. 

“I didn’t do anything, I swear! Your date seemed fine, what the fuck is your problem?” Nick shouted. 

Brian thought for a moment and privately agreed that his date did go well but he wanted Nick to learn his lesson so he took the cartridge out of the Game Boy and threw the copy of Zelda out the window, before giving Nick the Game Boy back. Nick started crying as he saw his game flying down ten stories. 

“Here come the waterworks.” AJ moaned. 

“Where is my wallet, Nick?” Brian demanded. Nick reluctantly went to the dresser where he had put the wallet and gave it to Brian who sighed, feeling slightly bad as he watched Nick cry. 

“I didn’t throw your wallet out the window, that was really unnecessary!” 

“Why did you want to embarrass me anyway, Nick? You know I like her. What is your problem, exactly? Are you that jealous that I’m spending my time with someone else that you need to sabotage my dates?” Brian yelled. Nick looked from Brian to AJ and Howie as his own face went pale. He did not want Brian to tell them he was gay so he made up the quickest lie he could think of to save himself. 

“I don’t know what I was doing. I’m sorry. I just was playing a joke…” he said through tears. Brian’s face softened and he apologized for overreacting but he didn’t buy the excuse for a second. Nick was acting strange and he knew the reason. He was jealous and couldn’t control himself. There was no other explanation. 

“Let’s go downstairs and see if we can find your game.” Brian said with a sigh as they left the hotel room, the kiss from Leighanne fresh in his mind the entire way down. He couldn’t wait to see her again and hoped it was sooner rather than later.


	6. Chapter 6

After their date, Brian and Leighanne decided that while BSB was in LA they’d spend as much time together as they possibly could, to Nick’s disappointment. The boys were getting ready to release their new album, and they were doing promo. The tour was about to kick off in Germany next month. Leighanne found time to see her boyfriend in between and they stole dates when they could. During this time Brian started to blow off the guys in favor of hanging out with her. Nick found himself lonely many of these times and Kevin tried to make a point to invite him places like an arcade, or out to eat and Nick appreciated this very much. 

 

“So how does your brother feel about opening for us?” Kevin asked Nick, who was staring out of the window at the restaurant they were eating at. 

 

“He’s excited. He really loves performing, I guess it runs in the family.” Nick lied. The truth was, he wasn’t all that happy about his brother coming because that meant his father was going to be coming on the tour with him and that meant he would be rooming with him. He also knew that this meant his parents would be so focused on Aaron’s career that he would be forgotten about as he usually was when it came to his younger siblings. It kind of made him sick how money hungry his mother was. He hadn’t noticed it until he started with the boys and then BJ wanted her modeling career that his mother was willing to find any talent her kids had to cash in on it. 

 

“Well he isn’t coming until August anyway...so you have all of July to spend time with Brian, don’t you?” Kevin asked. Nick looked down at his cheeseburger and sighed. 

 

“I dunno. Unless his girlfriend comes.” 

 

Brian had been absent ever since he met Leighanne, the last couple of weeks anyway. All he wanted to do was spend time with her, not his best friend. 

 

“They aren’t that serious yet. At least not that I know of, they’ve only gone on a couple of dates. Why don’t you try spending time with him? Maybe he misses hanging out with you too.” 

 

Nick thought for a few moments and agreed with Kevin, coming up with an idea that was so perfect he couldn’t possibly mess it up. 

 

“I know just the thing to do.” Nick smiled as he popped a French fry in his mouth. 

 

 

The next day Nick came into the room with a pair of basketball tickets, grinning from ear to ear as Brian looked up from the TV set. 

 

“Whatcha got there?” Brian asked. 

 

“I got us tickets to the Lakers game tomorrow since we are leaving town Monday, my treat- well, Lou’s treat because he paid for them and I let him.” 

 

“Really? The Lakers game? That’s amazing!” Brian said, his face lighting up as he jumped off the bed and gave Nick a big high five. 

 

“Yes, just you and me and our floor seats.” Nick beamed. 

 

“This is awesome, I can’t wait.” Brian said as he hugged Nick, who felt like he finally had Brian on his side again. Basketball was one of the things they loved to do together and what better way to remind Brian than going to a game? It was too perfect. 

 

The next afternoon the boys came back from doing some phone interviews for the new album and Brian was surprised to see that Leighanne had called. 

 

“Hey, Nick...why don’t you go get us some sodas from the machine? I’ll meet you in the room.” 

 

“Okay.” Nick said, walking down the hall. Once he was out of the way, Brian called Leighanne back. 

 

“Someone at the front desk said you called?” Brian asked when she picked up. 

 

“Hi. I was wondering if I could see you tonight because I’m leaving for New York tomorrow.” Leighanne said, her voice soft. Brian almost groaned because Nick had gotten the basketball tickets and he was really looking forward to the game. 

 

“I kinda had something planned tonight but I can make time for you.” Brian smiled as he heard footsteps outside of the room. Nick came into the room, flopping onto his bed and ignoring Brian’s conversation because he figured he was talking to Leighanne again. 

 

“Great, I’ll come by around seven then.” 

 

Brian hung up the phone and quickly tried to think of a excuse to get out of the basketball game, it was still early so he had time. He and Nick ordered a pizza and ate while watching TV until it was about five.

 

“What was on that pizza you ordered? I don’t feel so good.” Brian said suddenly, holding his stomach and pretending to look sick. 

 

“Are you okay? You look like you’re going to hurl.” 

 

“What time is the game?” Brian asked as he went into the bathroom. 

 

“Seven.” 

 

Brian spent a long time in the bathroom and made some gagging noises from behind the door for effect and when Nick came in he made sure he was hovering over the toilet. Nick was wearing his basketball jersey and a hat turned backwards so that his hair stuck out from under it.  

 

“Wow, you look like shit. Are you sure it was the pizza, because I feel fine. Maybe you’re getting sick.” Nick commented. He watched Brian and had a sinking feeling in his stomach but pushed that away to make sure Brian was okay. He helped him over to the bed and laid him down, making sure he was comfortable. 

 

“Look, I’ll see if AJ wants to go to the game if you don’t feel good. Are you sure that you don’t want me to stay here with you and keep you company?” Nick asked. Brian felt horrible for lying but he wanted to spend time with Leighanne before they left for Germany. Surely Nick could handle another night of not hanging out together, he’d been doing it for the past two weeks and was fine. 

 

“I’ll manage. Go have a good time. You have great seats, no sense in letting them go to waste.” 

 

“All right. I will bring you back a souvenir.” Nick smiled before he left the room. Brian felt bad for lying but at the same time he couldn’t say no to his girlfriend, who he wouldn’t be seeing for a while once they were out of the country. 

 

Once Leighanne had come over to the room, she and Brian ordered takeout and watched a movie, talking about a lot of things. 

 

“I am going to miss you when you leave.” Leighanne said, before kissing him gently. Brian returned it and they exchanged back and forth, passion between them building once more.

 

“I’m gonna miss you too.” 

 

Brian took off his shirt and continued, thinking about what would happen if Nick walked in and what he would think about all this. He’d ditched him again and he felt guilty, but not guilty enough to not have sex. Clearly sex was about to happen but he didn’t care. 

 

“I don’t want to go.” Leighanne whispered. 

 

“If you stay….you won't have to.” Brian said between kisses. 

 

“Where is Nick? I thought you said you had plans.” Leighanne asked, not that she really cared. She liked having Brian to herself without Nick trying to tag along. 

 

“He’s at a basketball game with AJ. They’ll be gone for a couple hours.” Brian said as she went heavier with the kissing and moved to his neck. The whole time he knew what he wanted, but something was holding him back. As they started to undress one another, the passion was there but that’s all there was. There was purely animal attraction and that was it, the whole time Brian thought about how he had no feelings towards her other than she was a gorgeous woman. It just didn’t make any sense. 

 

Sometime after the sex had stopped, they’d fallen asleep...their bodies entangled in the soft sheets of Brian’s bed in the dark room. Brian lay there next to her, listening to her heartbeat until he also fell asleep. 

 

“Brian?” 

 

He had no idea when he had finally dozed off but Brian was jolted away by the sudden soft knocking on the door.

 

“Shit…” 

 

What was he going to do now?


	7. Chapter 7

“That game was so great, too bad Brian had to miss it.” AJ said as they walked down the hallway towards the rooms. 

 

“Yeah, I think I am gonna check on him ‘cause he really didn’t look good earlier. Maybe I will stay in your room tonight, so he can rest?” Nick replied, knocking on the door to make sure Brian was not asleep. 

 

“Sure, I’ll go clear my stuff off of the other bed for you.” AJ called as he opened his own room. 

 

Nick figured that Brian was asleep so he knocked one more time to make sure. 

 

“Brian?”

 

_“Shit….”_

 

Brian stirred as he heard Nick come into the room and hid under the covers, his heart beating so rapidly he thought it might jump out of his own chest. Why was he so worried about Nick finding Leighanne there? It wasn’t just about her being there or him lying...it was something more. He knew how upset Nick would be when he found them. He had lied to his best friend.

 

“Brian? Are you sleeping?” 

 

Brian lay perfectly still with the blanket over his face, looking at Leighanne sleeping next to him with his heart beating rapidly in panic. It was then he realized they were both still completely naked. He hoped that Nick wouldn’t do what he usually did to wake him up…

 

“Are you feeling any better? You looked like you were gonna hurl earlier. Maybe it was the pizza because I don’t feel that great either. We shouldn’t have gotten onions and mushrooms.” 

 

Nick continued talking as if he were really listening to him, talking about the game and saying he brought back a present. To Brian’s horror the blanket started to move. His face pale, he held the blanket in place but Nick was determined to yank it off. 

 

Brian heard the Lakers basketball Nick was holding drop as soon as the blanket came off of the bed. 

 

“What is she doing here, I thought you were sick?” Nick asked meekly, blinking in disbelief. Leighanne woke up, pulling the blanket back on to cover herself as she laid into NIck, screaming at him. 

 

“Seriously?” Nick said, unaware he had even done anything wrong. 

 

What happened next, Brian wished he was dreaming. Leighanne realized Nick was there and yanked the sheets over herself, her face bright red. If she could breathe fire, she’d have probably torched the entire hotel by now. Brian wanted to crawl under the bed when she started to yell. 

 

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What the hell  are you doing in here?” 

 

“This is my room too.” 

 

“You were trying to ruin our alone time. Again.” Leighanne shouted. Nick looked at Brian, feeling super guilty about trying to ruin their first date. He didn’t know Brian had told her about the wallet. 

 

“I’m sorry- Brian told me that….that…” Nick stammered, blushing. Brian stared at him, pleading with his eyes. Leighanne turned on him next. 

 

“Is he that fucking obsessed with you that he can’t be away from you for more than three hours?” 

 

Brian closed his eyes, he already knew what Nick thought and he stayed silent. He could have spoken up, he could have said he didn’t mean it but for some reason he was silent. He would come to regret this for a long time. 

 

Nick’s face scrunched up in confusion and he spoke very slowly. 

 

“Wha- What are you talking about?” 

 

“Why can’t you leave him alone and let him breathe for five minutes, Nick? It’s pretty pathetic how you hang on him all the time because your family doesn’t care about you, Brian complains about it all the time to me.” Leighanne shouted. Nick looked at Brian and had tears in his eyes, floored by this new information.

 

Nick blinked in utter confusion. Brian was shocked, he had told Leighanne that Nick had been acting jealous and bothering him but he honestly didn’t mean any of it, he was only frustrated. He never thought she would actually tell him what he said. 

 

“Baby, those aren’t the exact words that I-“ Brian started but his girlfriend was in a rant. She rounded on Nick again.

 

 _“Please don’t get upset. Please don’t hate me.”_ Brian pled silently, his eyes moving from Leighanne to Nick as his face paled. His heart was practically beating out of his chest. He felt sick. 

 

“Nick...I-“

 

“No wonder you and your girlfriend broke up, you’re pathetic! Get out of here!” Leighanne shouted, holding the sheet over herself as she started pushing Nick towards the door. 

 

“What the fuck, I haven’t done anything wrong! Brian lied to me!”

 

It was a miracle nobody had come to the room to see what the commotion was about. 

 

“Leigh, don’t do this. He didn’t mean it...” Brian said, but nobody seemed to hear him over all the fighting. Nick pushed her off of him and looked at Brian, shaking his head again. 

 

“You know, I hope all of this was worth it.” Nick said, clearly trying to hide the fact that he was upset. He opened the door but Leighanne shoved him from behind, almost making him lose his balance in the hallway. He was still holding it together until the basketball flew out of the room, missing his head and bouncing off of the wall. The door of the room slammed shut, and he could hear her yelling at Brian from outside. He should have been happy that he might have caused them to break up but he was too hurt knowing that Brian had talked shit about him and ditched him to care. His eyes swimming, he turned and ran down the hallway towards the elevator and closed the door, shutting himself inside. It was only when he was by himself that he allowed himself to cry, sitting on the floor of the elevator with his head in his knees. He only hoped that nobody he knew would find him there when the elevator doors opened and he heard someone step inside.

 

“Nick, are you okay?” 

 

Nick looked up as he wiped his eyes and saw Kevin standing over him. Nobody had hit any buttons on the elevator so they were just sitting there in silence for a few moments while Nick cried. 

 

“Please tell me what’s wrong.” Kevin begged. He knelt down and took him into an embrace, letting Nick sob into his shoulder. Nick never answered him right away or told him what made him so upset, but Kevin knew that this was not anything to do with his family. 

 

“I….can’t. You wouldn’t understand.”

 

“Do you want me to take you somewhere, then?” 

 

“No.” 

 

“Do you want to go back to the room? Brian’s better at this than I am. He could-” 

 

Nick scowled.

 

“-or not.” 

 

“Can you….can you help me move my stuff to AJ’s room tonight?” Nick asked through tears. 

 

“Sure thing, kiddo.” Kevin smiled, patting him on the back as he helped him stand up once they went back up to the floor they were staying on. Kevin had a funny feeling that his cousin had upset Nick and he made a mental note to have a good, long talk with him in the morning.


	8. Chapter 8

Brian thought about running after Nick when Leighanne pushed him out of the room, but for some reason he didn’t. 

“He has some nerve barging in here. Didn’t you tell him I would be here tonight, Brian? Why didn’t he go to AJ’s room in the first place?!” Leighanne demanded once she’d put some clothes on and gotten back into bed. Brian was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at the door as if he expected Nick to come back but nothing happened. 

“Huh?” 

“Are you okay? You look like you’re upset.” Leighanne said, moving across the bed to kiss him. He didn’t return it. His heart was still pounding and his chest hurt. He wondered if it were stress or caused by guilt because he felt sick to his stomach about what had just happened. He had hurt Nick and he wondered if there was any way to fix the damage that had been done. He knew for a fact Nick didn’t like being called annoying or a burden...and Leighanne had basically told him that he was saying it behind his back. 

“I think you...and I can’t believe I am saying this, but I think you need to go.” Brian said slowly. The smile slid off of his girlfriend’s face so fast Brian almost laughed. 

 

“You’re telling me to go? Why?” 

“I just need to be alone for a while. I’m sorry, but you said a lot of really nasty things to Nick. He didn’t know you were here, I sorta ditched him and pretended I was sick so I can spend time with you.” Brian told her. She picked up her things, trying not to show Brian how annoyed she was but it was painfully obvious she was pissed off. 

“Well, I feel kind of bad for yelling at him knowing that now...but you shouldn’t have lied to him. I love spending time with you too, but you told me all that stuff and I got angry.” 

Brian keep thinking about Nick’s expression when he was called annoying. It really bothered him to see him so upset.

“I’m sorry, but I need to be alone tonight. I’ll call you.” 

“I guess I’ll be in touch. Where are you going to be again? I’ll miss you.” Leighanne asked. Brian stood up and showed her to the door before kissing her quickly.

“I’ll miss you too. Germany for a while. Then we are coming back to do some festivals in the states and we have rehearsal for the next tour.” 

The two of them said their goodbyes and kissed at the door. To his surprise, when Brian opened it to let her out, Kevin was standing there. He did not look happy. 

“Hello, Kevin.” Leighanne smiled at him. 

“Hi, Leighanne. Nice to see you…” Kevin said in a friendly tone, but his eyebrows said he was irritated. Brian knew that Nick had probably told him what happened, or that he heard it from his room. 

Kevin watched Leighanne until she was heading down the hallway, then went into Brian’s room, where Brian had resumed his spot on the bed next to the empty one where Nick slept. He slammed the door shut behind him. 

“What are you doing up?” Brian asked, noticing that it was almost midnight. Kevin was often the first to bed but also the last to wake up as he liked his sleep. 

“Nick asked me if I could help him come and get his things after I found him crying because he won’t come near the room. What in the hell is wrong with you? He was really looking forward to that game and you ditched him for your girlfriend?” Kevin demanded, crossing his arms.

“I guess you heard what happened?” Brian asked, as if he didn’t already know he’d fucked up. His stomach was in knots because he was mad at himself. 

“I am so unbelievably disappointed to call you my cousin, how could you do that to him? Imagine how he felt when he walked in and saw you with her. He just wanted to spend time with you and this is how you treat him.” 

“Like you wouldn’t do that same shit for Kristin.” 

“Don’t bring my girlfriend into this. I’m asking you a question.”

“Look, I made a mistake. Nick’s just a kid. He’ll get over it.” Brian waved, heading towards the bathroom to wash up a bit before bed. 

“He is not just a kid. He’s your best friend and your bandmate. Do you realize how much he looks up to you? You need to apologize to him.” Kevin hissed from the doorway before he left, as Brian washed his face in the sink. Brian thought and almost considered going over to AJ’s room right then, but he figured it could wait until morning, it was very late and they had to be up early for something anyway. 

That night he was kept awake thinking, wondering what he could do to make it up to Nick cause he had screwed up so badly. All he could picture was the look on Nick’s face when Leighanne dropped that bomb on him, that he was annoying. Secretly Brian didn’t feel annoyed by him, he was just tired of Leighanne complaining that he seemed to put work first and his friends first before her. His career always came first. He also wondered why it bothered him so much…Nick was just like a brother to him, wasn't he? 

_He's more than just a brother to you, stop lying to yourself._

“He's just my friend.” he whispered to himself, as if to shut off his own thoughts. He was supposed to be in a relationship, find a nice girl and settle down to have a family. He was well on his way to doing that and Leighanne was the perfect person to spend the rest of his life with. That's what his parents wanted for him. That was what he wanted too, at least he liked to think so. However, lately things were so jumbled that he didn't know what to think anymore. Nick was a friend….but there was something more. Something lurking that he hadn't explored quite yet because he didn't know how to. He shook it away just like the other times. When he thought of Nick those dreams of white picket fences faded. These feelings often scared him because he had no idea what they meant, so he pretended as if none of it was happening and pushed them away like he started pushing Nick away. Yes, Nick was the start of everything. This was his fault. It was his fault he felt different.

“He’s my friend and nothing else.” 

Sometimes he wondered if he was like Nick. Confused about his own sexuality. But he didnt dare to even go there. 

_You’re just upset that you can’t be together because you know nobody would accept it. You told Nick to hide who he was and you can’t go back on that now. You can’t tell him you feel the same way. You can’t tell him about these feelings. Ever._

 

No. He couldn’t be gay. That was ridiculous and crazy. He liked Leighanne so it was impossible. 

The feeling came and left just as quickly as it entered his mind. No…it didn't mean anything. Nick was his friend and that was it. Yet, something else lingered…another feeling, a feeling unexplored that Brian pushed away as he fell asleep, a feeling that would start eating away at his heart.


	9. Chapter 9

After that night at the hotel, Nick avoided Brian for several days even when they flew overseas for the last few dates of their tour. Another tour would pick up in August and they had rehearsals at the end of July. Brian tried a few times to get him to talk but Nick would brush him off. Nick’s dad was with them for these days so they did not room together. Brian was rooming with Kevin instead. He loved his cousin dearly but at the same time, Kevin was very belligerent about the fight with Nick and making things right. 

 

“Have you apologized to him yet?” Kevin asked, over breakfast one morning in the hotel. They had three shows overseas in a row before they’d come back to the states for some small festivals. 

“I’ve been trying to, but he is avoiding me.” Brian shrugged. He wasn’t really in a rush to get Nick talking to him because it was quite obvious that he was still angry. This left Brian with quite a few sleepless nights and strange dreams that he couldn’t explain. 

“I honestly do not blame him after that.” 

 

Brian could have smacked his cousin if there weren’t so many people there, but he probably would have said the same thing. Nick looked so glum and depressed and it was his fault. 

He hoped that soon he’d come up with something.

 

After the shows, the boys came back home to have a couple of days off for the Fourth of July so Brian decided to take Nick to the beach for the weekend. He’d booked them a room in Cocoa Beach so they could enjoy the beach and also go to the pier where there was an arcade. He planned to order them pizzas and movies as well to entertain them. Unfortunately any time he tried to call Nick at his parent’s house he either wasn’t home or did not want to talk to him, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. The night of July 3rd, Brian showed up at the house in Tampa where Nick’s family lived to pick him up as a surprise. 

 

“Hi, Brian!” Aaron shouted happily, hugging him when he answered the door at the family house in Tampa. 

“Hey, squirt...where’s your brother?” Brian chuckled, ruffling the boy’s hair. Aaron was much like Nick in many ways such as the singing. Nick often denied how much alike they were but Brian could see it. 

“I think he’s in his room.” Aaron said. Brian followed him into the house, surprised that Nick’s parents were not present with young children running around.

When he knocked on the door he could hear some rap music playing softly behind it.

“Nick?” 

“What is it now?” 

The door opened and Nick’s eyes were wide, he dropped whatever he was holding in surprise. Brian knew the address of his family’s home but he’d never come there to visit before. His heart started to beat fast and he mentally calmed himself down so he didn’t seem eager to see him, which he was. He missed Brian if not more than Brian missed him. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“Nice to see you too...I came to kidnap you for the weekend.” Brian said, almost laughing at the look of utter confusion on Nick’s face. None of the guys really ever visited him on their down time, it was usually Nick being dumped off at the apartment Kevin and Brian had in Orlando or Nick ending up at Howie’s house. In fact, Brian was really surprised that Nick wasn’t at Howie’s at all. 

“Huh?” 

“I got us a hotel in Cocoa Beach, I want to take you there for the weekend.” 

Nick blushed and rubbed the back of his head the way he would when he was embarrassed. 

“I thought….I thought that I annoyed you. Why would you want to hang out with me all weekend? Was your girlfriend busy?” Nick snapped hurriedly, pretending he was still angry and retreating back into his room as Brian followed. It was a typical teenage boy’s room but there were two beds, Brian assumed Aaron also stayed here. It was messy just like Nick kept his bunk on the tour bus. 

“Okay, I guess I deserve that. Nick….I been trying to talk to you about that because I did not say it the way she told you.” 

The whole time Brian was talking, Nick was not listening. Leighanne’s words echoed in his head over and over. 

 

 

_“Are you so obsessed with him that you can’t leave him alone for a few hours?”_

_“He tells me all the time you’re annoying!!”_

 

“Brian, I know you love her but….” Nick started, but he was surprised when Brian stopped him from finishing his sentence. 

“I am not in love. I like her very much but I’m not.” 

 

Nick stared at him in confusion, he wondered what suddenly brought this on. Or why Brian all of a sudden wanted to hang out with him because it was very clear that him being gay was beginning to be a problem between them. Brian was clearly not comfortable with him in the hotel. 

“You sure act like you’re in love.” 

They sat down on the bed on the left and Brian put his arm around Nick. 

“I was frustrated because things were getting weird between us and you didn’t like Leighanne. You could never annoy me, Nick. You’re my best friend. I’m so sorry. I never wanted that to happen, and I shouldn’t have ditched you for her. I had no idea the trouble you went through to get the tickets for that game so I want to take you away for the weekend. Just you and me. What do you say?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Come on, it’s been forever since we hung out- just the two of us guys.” 

It suddenly hit Nick that they were sitting on his bed in his bedroom, and the two of them were completely alone. 

Brian almost smiled at how red Nick was turning in the face, redder than his Tampa Bay football jersey. It was almost a turn on how shy he could be sometimes. Shaking those thoughts away, he felt a pang in his chest again and chalked it up to stress from the album coming out and the impending tour. They needed to just get away for a couple of days, to be alone. 

 

_You just want him to yourself. To explore what these dreams mean._

 

Brian shook that feeling away too. 

_That’s dangerous territory, don’t go there._

 

“Please come with me to the beach. I know you miss hanging out and so do I. We are in serious need of best friend time.” 

“All right.” 

The two of them waited for Nick’s parents to come home and then Nick took his overpacked book bag, throwing it into Brian’s pickup. They left for the east coast of Florida, driving off into the sunset to have three days of bonding time. 

_Just two friends hanging out together._

Brian stared at Nick who was leaning out of the window, his hair blowing in the wind as they drove down the highway listening to the radio. 

_Friends, and nothing else._


	10. Chapter 10

Brian and Nick reached Cocoa Beach a couple of hours later due to traffic from driving through Orlando. 

“I’m glad you brought me here,” Nick smiled as he breathed in the fresh sea air once they pulled up to their hotel. He loved Florida because there was always an ocean nearby, his favorite place in the world to be. He dreamed one day of having a house on the beach to himself, or maybe with another person once he had enough money. 

He sometimes wondered if he would be living with a certain someone in that house...

 

“Are you?” Brian asked, jarring him out of his daydream.

Nick got out of the truck and grabbed his book bag. 

“Yeah. It’s been a long time since we hung out just the two of us.” 

He was very right because Brian had been spending so much time with Leighanne that he was neglecting his friends. Now that he was away from her, things with Nick didn't seem so weird anymore. He was comfortable and could just be himself. The two of them checked into the hotel and Brian opened their door. 

“Did they make a mistake? There’s only one bed.” Nick pointed out at the king size bed in the middle of the room. Brian could have sworn he had booked two beds but they’d shared before in the past because the band wasn’t making that much money. What could it hurt to share now?

 

_You totally did this on purpose._

_Shut up. It’s not like that at all._

 

“Brian? Hello, you’re zoning out on me.” Nick called to him as he was having a mental argument with himself. 

“Oh. Sorry, I must be tired from driving to your house and then here. You don’t mind sharing the bed, do you? They didn’t have any other rooms left because it’s a holiday weekend.” Brian explained, which wasn’t a total lie but still believable. 

Nick considered this for a minute and threw his book bag down on the floor, kicking his shoes off and letting himself fall into the bed. The room was a decent size, with a refrigerator in one corner, a bathroom and a ceiling fan. A small bathroom occupied the other corner. 

“I figured we could just chill in the room tonight and have pizza if you wanted, and tomorrow we could go to the beach, watch the fireworks from the pier...have dinner at the restaurant there.” Brian suggested. They both agreed that pizza was a good option because it was Nick’s favorite so each of them ordered their own pie and gallon of soda. They decided to watch Dumb and Dumber that night, which was one of Brian’s favorites because he loved Jim Carrey.

 

“Florida pizza isn’t as good as New York, you know.” Nick said with a mouthful of cheese a while later. He washed it down with a swig from his soda bottle as Brian laughed at him and ate. 

“I think I agree with you on that one, but this is still pretty good.” 

“I wonder what makes it so good?” 

“Maybe it’s the water up there.” 

Nick looked as if he was deep in thought for a few moments before wiping his mouth on his sleeve and letting out a huge belch. Brian shook his head and laughed. Nick didn’t have the best manners but there was something about him that he liked and he didn’t know why.

“I love this movie, if either of us ever has to wear tuxes we should get an orange one and a blue one. It would be so funny.” 

“You’re something else, Nick. I’ll do it if you wear the orange one.” Brian said, setting down the soda bottle and folding his legs so he was sitting Indian style on the carpet in front of the bed. 

“Deal.” 

 

They continued talking through the movie until it was over and then Brian decided to discuss something that was on his mind currently given all of the strange feelings he was having recently. 

“Can I ask you kind of a personal question?” Brian said suddenly, as Nick picked up the empty pizza boxes to put on the table next to the television. He looked at him funny and walked back, sitting next to Brian at the end of the bed. 

“Okay.” 

“How did you find out that you were….well...you know.” 

“Gay?” 

Brian’s ears turned a little pink when Nick filled in the word for him and Nick sighed, looking up at the ceiling. 

“Well, I started feeling different, I guess. It was really weird. I noticed guys more than girls. Guys make me feel more comfortable. I never really felt myself when I was with Mandy to tell you the truth. I wanted to like her but I didn’t see anything beyond her looks. I didn’t love her. It was like that with any girl I hung out with, but when I was with you and the guys...I felt like I could really be myself. I started noticing things that I shouldn’t normally notice and I would get turned on by it.” 

“Like what?” 

Nick made a face at Brian because usually Brian normally didn’t want to even acknowledge that he was gay let alone ask questions about it. Something was off. He’d been feeling that way since Brian showed up at his family’s house.

“What is going on with you, Brian?” Nick asked, staring him down. 

Brian tried to pretend he wasn’t feeling slightly anxious. 

“I-uh….er…” he started, but Nick cut him off. 

“You never seemed to care about this before, so why start now? What’s wrong, Brian? What’s really wrong with you, because none of this makes any sense. First of all you tell me to hide it from everyone, then you tell Leighanne that I’m constantly bothering you and I’m obsessed with you..and now you show up at my house wanting to go away with me for the weekend? What are you getting out of all of this, are you getting some sort of kick out of it or are you just using me?” Nick snapped suddenly. Brian looked down at the floor and blushed because he deserved everything Nick was saying. What was he doing, exactly and why? Nothing made sense to him any more, his chest hurt and he felt anxious. Taking deep breaths he spoke slowly because he didn’t want to upset Nick further. 

“No-nothing...Nothing’s wrong. I am just trying to understand you more, that’s all. If I am making you uncomfortable, I will stop asking questions. We just never have talked about it since you told me and I was thinking about it. That’s it.” 

Nick nodded and played with a stray string on the carpet, thinking. 

“You were thinking about me being gay?” 

“Yes. Seriously, I mean it Nick. I seriously want to know how you knew.” Brian answered when he saw the skeptical look on his face.

“Well, it’s hard to explain because it’s not normal to be like this. You said it yourself and I realized you were right because I feel weird. I know I’m not like everyone else and I have been feeling like this for a while. I suppose since I have been going through puberty.”

He didn’t want to tell Brian that he was in love with him, or that Brian made him start noticing he was attracted to boys in the first place. He always knew he was different but being around the other guys made him notice it more.

“Different, as in how?” Brian pressed. 

Nick licked his lips and Brian stared intently at him, allowing himself to slightly wonder if his lips were as soft as they looked. 

“Just….different. Like I’m meant for something else. Like I’m looking for the Nick I’m meant to be instead of the Nick everyone wants me to be.” 

Brian nodded as he listened and realized he felt all of these things too, the real question now was would he allow Nick to help him figure this out or would he keep denying his heart what it was trying to tell him this whole time?


	11. Chapter 11

That night after their talk, Nick and Brian took showers and got ready for bed. Nick got into bed first as Brian was finishing in the bathroom and all he could think about was their conversation and how strange Brian was acting. Brian had told him the reason for the questions and bringing him here but he wasn’t buying it. He kept going back to that night on his birthday when he confessed to Brian he thought he might be gay. Of course he was pretty sure now but the fact stood that he hadn’t even tried to be with a guy to see if that was what he was really wanting, or if he was simply curious. He was just shy and afraid of anyone finding out his secret after what Brian had said when he told him so he kept it to himself and left his thirst for discovery unquenched. 

 

_“You can’t tell anyone you’re gay. It will change everything. Just pretend you’re like the rest of us until you’re ready to say something.”_

 

The rest of them? What the hell did that mean? Nothing made sense anymore, and it was then that Nick figured it out. He even let out a little gasp to himself as he looked at the closed bathroom door, the sound of Brian singing in the shower very faintly drifting between the cracks. 

“No fucking way.” Nick whispered to himself, bewildered. 

It was almost too good to be true. No wonder Brian threw himself in the relationship so fast with Leighanne. No wonder he pushed him away and acted weird, asking a bunch of questions to cover for himself. No wonder he didn’t love her. It was so obvious that Nick didn’t know how he hadn’t thought of this any sooner. He decided to pull out his Game Boy and play Tetris while he waited for Brian to finish showering and had to hold himself from bursting in the room to tell him that he had figured it all out because he knew he wouldn’t have wanted things to go down that way. 

Neither of them would have wanted it that way. So Nick decided to wait and let Brian tell him himself why he’d been acting so strange. 

 

The shower in the other room shut off and a while later, Brian reappeared in the room with his boxers on and a t shirt. Nick laid in bed playing his Game Boy and trying to beat the current level of Tetris he was on. 

“You okay?” Brian asked, noticing the dead silence. Nick barely glanced up at him, still playing his game. He didn’t answer. 

“All right, then. I’m ready to go to sleep if you are, I’m gonna turn the lights out.” 

Nick shut off his game and rolled the opposite way away from Brian, leaving him confused at the sudden silence when they’d been so chatty all evening. 

“Good night.” 

“Night.” 

 

They both had a pretty restful sleep but in the morning, Nick was surprised to find Brian next to him with his head buried in his shoulder, breathing softly. Nick remembered a time long ago when they used to sleep like this on the tour bus...a few years ago when it was their first time on the road. Nick was homesick and couldn’t sleep so Brian would lay with him until he finally managed to doze off, but more often than not Nick would wake up to find him next to him still. Feeling his heartbeat was comforting to him. He smiled and put his head back on the pillow, allowing himself to drift off again. 

 

The second time he woke up, Brian was awake and dressed already. 

“Morning.” 

Nick yawned and sat up in bed, flattening his hair on his head because it was sticking up in all directions. 

“You’re up already?” 

“Yeah, I was gonna ask if you wanted to go down to the beach but I let you sleep in some. We can still go down there, I figured you would like to do some surfing or play volleyball.” Brian suggested, chuckling as he watched Nick try to fix his hair. 

“Surfing sounds cool.”

 

The two of them made their way down to the beach which was not a long walk once they got their blanket and umbrella together from the truck. Nick had brought some things from his house because his family had them already, which Brian was thankful they were allowed to use them. Once they set it all up, Nick took out his board and went out in the water while Brian watched. Brian didn’t know how to surf so he observed. It was not very crowded which was surprising because it was a holiday weekend, but it was also very hot outside so Brian figured that most people stayed home and barbecued. 

“Come on, Brian! The water is great out here!” Nick called once he’d paddled out some. Brian waved back and laughed. Sitting on the board and waiting for the right wave, Nick smiled as he stared back at Brian and thought about everything that was happening. 

 

That night they had dinner out on the pier at the restaurant overlooking the water, listening to the waves crash as they sipped at their sodas and ate burgers followed by a delicious key lime pie. They moved to another part of the beach to watch the sunset before fireworks show happening that night and the whole time, Brian thought about letting Nick know he was possibly interested in him but it never seemed to come up. 

“You okay?” Nick asked suddenly as they sat in the sand on the blanket they brought with them earlier in the day. They were both full from dinner and Nick couldn’t wait to go to bed because he was tired. 

“Just thinking.” Brian said, looking up at the darkening sky. The sky was full of oranges and reds, the sun dipping just below the horizon.

“Can I ask you a question, though? Why did you really bring me here this weekend?” 

 

After asking the question Nick looked him right in the eye, eager for the answer that Brian had been avoiding giving him for two days. 

 

“I told you, I wanted to spend time with you. Why isn’t that a good enough answer for you? There’s literally no other reason than that. I wanted to hang out with you and make up for what happened at the hotel with Leighanne. I feel really bad about all that and you were so upset with me that it was killing me. Okay?” 

“Look, I’m only 17 but I can see right through that. I think there’s something else and you’re just afraid of me. Why are you afraid? Are you afraid of me because you think I’m going to turn you gay or something?” Nick demanded. Brian had kind of forgotten how young Nick was in that moment because he was acting so wise. This was exactly why Brian was covering. He didn’t know what he wanted or who he was anymore and it terrified him. He could feel his heart racing as he tried to think of a lie. Their faces were pretty close at this point, and Nick could hear him begin to be uncomfortable just by the rhythm of his breathing. 

“I’m not trying to freak you out or anything, I just wanted to know. I’m sorry, Brian. Please don’t get upset.” Nick whispered, moving to hug him. Brian felt himself calm down and steadied himself. They parted and stared at each other again. 

“I’m sorry, Nick. I don’t know. I just wanted to spend some time with you.” Brian apologized again softly, looking into his eyes again. If he just kissed him now and got it over with, maybe things would start making sense. All he had to do was lean in….

The two of them did lean in and Brian closed his eyes, waiting for the kiss to happen but it was interrupted by the start of the fireworks. A loud bang startled them, bright blue and red sparks appearing in the sky. When Brian opened his eyes he saw how disappointed Nick looked, and he knew deep down he’d hurt him again. The truth was, he wasn’t really sure what he wanted. He still liked Leighanne and couldn’t hurt her. Brian looked up at the fireworks as he and Nick sat on the beach in silence, the bright colors flashing in front of them as he thought of what he was going to do. 

Brian knew he would have to make a choice and it was not going to be easy. He wanted Leighanne, but now he wasn’t sure. She was easy to get and the safe option but possibly pursuing Nick had seemed exciting and he’d definitely blown his chances of that happening. 

He figured he would call her on Monday after getting home to Kentucky, and maybe things would be more clear then.


	12. Chapter 12

After they parted, Nick had to quickly compose himself so Brian didn’t see how upset he was. He was really feeling Brian and felt like the kiss was really going to happen until Brian pulled back. All Nick could think about was what did he do wrong, what did he say wrong, was he really as annoying as Leighanne had said?

“It’s too quiet.” Brian said, even though that was a lie with the fireworks going on above them in the sky. It was anything but quiet. 

“Quiet?” Nick laughed. 

“You know what I mean.” Brian said with narrowed eyes. 

“No, I really don’t Brian. You seem to be giving mixed signals. I thought I knew what was going on, but maybe I’m wrong. I think you are afraid of me. You’re afraid I’ll make you feel different too.” 

_You are afraid of him, just tell him. You already do feel different._

Brian really wanted to but what came out of his mouth next, he couldn’t have stopped because as soon as he spoke he knew he pissed Nick off. 

“I- I’m not afraid of anything. I don’t know what you were thinking you were getting out of this trip but I am not gay, Nick. I have a girlfriend. Something most guys want. Even if I wanted to be with you, we couldn’t….well they just wouldn’t understand. What would everyone say?” 

Nick stood up and some people near them started to watch them. He was definitely angry, if he could breathe fire he probably would have smoke coming out of his ears. But instead he took a breath and tried to hold it together although his voice was breaking. 

“What would everyone  _say_? That’s all you care about, how people see you- isn’t it? Maybe you care how people look at you, Bri...but I don’t. I know who I am.” Nick half whispered, half shouted as his eyes watered from anger. 

“Nick, please don’t….” Brian whispered, tugging on his arm to sit back down. Nick pulled away from him and walked away from him towards the hotel. 

“Nick…” Brian called after him, but he ignored him and kept going. 

He picked up their things and carried them back to the truck, calling Nick’s name but Nick did not answer him, he slammed the door. 

“Damn it, Nick...I didn’t mean that how it came out. Please talk to me.” Brian begged when he went into the room to find Nick laying on the bed with his head in the pillow. He wanted to kiss Nick back on the beach but the decision of what to do with Leighanne still lingered in his head. He liked both of them and it was starting to make him anxious. 

Nick turned over, looking at him in silence. 

 

Brian felt the lump in his throat try to dislodge itself and coughed as he sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at Nick. 

“I don’t know how to start.” Brian confessed, sighing and running a hand through his curly hair. 

“You can start by explaining why you were about to kiss me.” 

“I was not about to kiss you.” Brian lied. If Nick rolled his eyes any harder at that moment they’d have fallen out. Brian was not ready to admit to Nick, let alone to himself what his heart really wanted. He wasn’t even sure what that was yet and knew it would take some time to figure out. 

“You’re full of shit.” 

“Nick, you have to believe me. I’m feeling a lot of things right now and I need to make sense of it. I have a girlfriend that I really lo- that I really like and I want to see where it goes with her.” Brian protested. 

Nick paid special attention when Brian corrected himself because he knew what Brian didn’t, that he was with Leighanne because it was considered acceptable by everyone. People expected Brian to settle down and have a family. He’d mentioned it in interviews, he’d told the guys about a hundred times that he wanted to move somewhere south and have a big house with a big yard for the kids to play in. He wanted kids more than anything, kids and a family like he had. Deep down, Nick had always been kind of jealous of Brian’s loving upbringing and supportive family. His family life was nothing short of dysfunctional and he couldn’t even tell them his secret because he already knew how they felt about something like that. His parents were close minded and were focused on Aaron’s singing career, the latest cash grab out of his siblings. They were starting to discuss Leslie too and Nick hated seeing this. He loved singing and loved everything that was about to happen. He loved being with the guys and performing, but alone he felt empty. He was hoping that Brian could fill that emptiness. 

“Okay, keep covering.” Nick muttered, rolling over and facing the wall. 

“Seriously, Nick. I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t want to kiss you. I don’t want to be with you. I have a girlfriend.” Brian protested. 

“Whatever.” 

Brian could feel himself getting angry and it was because Nick was absolutely right. It was then that he had a crazy yet brilliant idea….

 

“If I kiss you and prove you wrong, will you leave me alone about it?” 

“Prove me wrong?” Nick asked, sitting up and staring at him with daggers in his eyes. 

“Yes, prove to you that I do not have feelings for you and we can move on from this. I don’t want to keep having these fights with you and if we are going to continue being bandmates, we can’t let any of the guys think something is going on.” Brian sighed. Nick got up and walked over to him, facing him and staring him in the eyes like before on the beach. Brian suddenly became very warm, and he could feel his ears turning pink from nerves. Nick was hovering over him, staring him down. 

“Well?” 

Nick looked annoyed he was making him wait so long. 

 

“I….uh….” Brian blushed, going pink in the ears. Nick smirked at him. He was being stupid, how hard could it be to kiss someone? 

_He’s not just someone, you idiot. He’s a guy and he’s also your best friend, your little brother. Your bandmate. You are afraid._

Before he could say anything, Nick leaned in and he felt Nick’s hand reach behind his neck, pulling him towards his face. Nick pressed his lips firmly on his mouth without warning, and he didn’t pull away. Brian’s first reaction was to push him off, but he surprised himself by allowing the kiss to happen. So many sensations rushed through his body in that fleeting moment, until they parted. 

“Was that so hard?” Nick whispered gently into his ear, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He blinked, unable to speak. He’d kissed another man. 

“Brian?” 

 

He’d kissed another man. 

 

Nick watched him now with concern because he wasn’t speaking. 

 

He’d kissed another man just to shut him up and that was all. Nothing else. He did not enjoy it. 

 

Except that was a lie. He did enjoy it. He wanted to do it again. 

 

So he did.

 

Brian stood up, grabbed Nick and kissed him back so fast that he had no time to react. The kiss was full of fire, something he had definitely not felt with Leighanne when they kissed. It had more than animal passion. It had true feelings behind it.

He had willingly kissed another man and he enjoyed every minute of it….but where was this going to go from here? They couldn’t be together. Nobody would understand them. Nobody would accept them. He knew this in his heart. It was going to ruin everything. How was he going to explain this to Leighanne when he saw her again? That not only did he cheat on her, he cheated on her with Nick. 

He would have to figure it all out soon.


	13. Chapter 13

After the Fourth Of July weekend was over, the boys went right into performing some music festivals around the US, small ones where they could get the word out about their new album. They were getting impatient because they had not broken in the US yet and it was frustrating to be so huge in Europe that they needed extra security to go to Mc Donald’s- but back home, nobody even knew they existed. They could practically hear the crickets chirping when they landed back in the states. 

 

Nick and Brian had put off talking about Leighanne and the kiss for a while and just focused on the group, although Nick wanted to know what was going to happen between them so he decided that today was a good time to talk about it. 

 

“Do you think all this work is going to pay off soon, Brian?” Nick asked to start a conversation when they were on their tour bus after a particularly grueling show day. They had interviews and press beforehand so there really wasn’t any downtime other then when they could eat really quickly or sneak in a nap. 

 

“I can’t say for sure, but I’d like to think we will. Remember what Lou said? We will be larger than life and living in one of those huge mansions like he has before you know it. We’ll blow our noses with hundred dollar bills and order pizza on gold trays.” Brian smiled. 

 

Nick seemed to contemplate this for a moment before he made a face. 

 

“Dude, that kinda sounds gross. Why would you blow your nose on money?” 

 

“I’m not saying we really will...it’s just an expression, you goober.” Brian laughed as he nudged Nick in the side. 

 

“I’m not a goober, you’re a goober!” Nick giggled, pouncing on top of Brian. They play wrestled until a voice made them look up. 

 

“Having fun, boys?” 

 

Nick stopped what he was doing when he spotted Lou, and Brian thought this was a little off considering he always thought Nick liked their manager. Lou was always friendly toward them and their families, getting them whatever they needed and throwing their birthday parties at his house. He would send them planes and limos to pick them up. It kind of gave them the taste of a much better life and after seeing how Nick lived, Brian thought that Lou’s house seemed like Disneyland. 

 

“Hi, Lou.” Nick said in a less than enthusiastic tone. 

 

Their manager smiled at both of them and continued to the back of the bus where Nick’s mom was tidying up the bunk area. 

 

“Nick, is everything okay?” Brian asked. Nick looked at the floor, as if he were thinking of something to say. 

 

“Yeah...yeah, everything's fine. No problem.” Nick sighed. 

 

Brian made a mental note to keep an eye on Nick when Lou was around because he sensed something was definitely wrong. 

 

“So are we ever going to talk about what happened in Cocoa Beach, or are we going to keep skirting around it?” Nick whispered, making sure that Lou or his mother were nowhere in hearing distance of their conversation. They’d resumed their seats at the little kitchen table towards the front of the bus and started a game of Go Fish with a deck of cards Kevin had left there. 

 

“What is there to say, Nick? I told you, I don’t have any feelings for you.” Brian lied. His chest was bothering him and he brushed it off again. 

 

“Why are you making that face? Are you okay?” 

 

“It’s nothing.” Brian lied, feeling anxious again. He hated when people pointed out things that were wrong with him, or when he was doing something wrong. Brian was a perfectionist. Imperfection made him upset.

 

Nick looked around to see if anyone was listening and started whispering so only Brian could hear. They could hear Nick’s mother and Lou talking by the bunk area about Aaron and the Europe tour. 

 

“No, something is wrong with you. You were like this at the video shoot, and at the hotel in LA - don’t think I haven’t noticed.” 

 

“Everything is fine. Besides, we are about to release an album, go on tour, do a ton of press and things are finally about to pick up for us. I can’t have something wrong with me. Lou won’t be happy if he has to pull the plug on everything because I’m sick.”  Brian whispered, once again looking to see nobody was coming. The truth was, when he was anxious, his chest would start hurting very dully and he thought it might have to do with his heart murmur. He would keep saying to himself when things slowed down and they had some time off that he would see a cardiologist, but that never happened. Lou and Johnny had so many things booked for them that there literally was no time off. They even worked holidays, putting in many long hours rehearsing dances or whatever else was scheduled. 

 

“You really should go to a doctor, I don’t want you to get sick.” Nick said, putting his hand over Brian’s and squeezing it gently with his thumb. Brian pulled it away and picked up a card from the pile on the table. 

 

“I don’t need you to tell me what to do.” 

 

Brian’s sudden coldness made Nick back off and they continued their card game, not speaking for most of it. Brian excused himself to use the restroom and went to the back of the bus where he heard Nick’s mom and Lou talking with Johnny. 

 

“I don’t understand what you’re saying, Lou. She is saying Nick and the other boys are tired, and you won’t give them any time off.” Johnny said quietly. Brian sat in the bathroom, listening as he used the toilet. He left the door slightly open so he could hear better. 

 

“These kids are going to make me quite a bit of money. If they took a break now when we are about to break in the United States, they will never put their foot in the door. I put my money into this group, and I can take it away.”

 

“Well, Lou...if you really think they will make that much money I don’t see harm in Nick putting in extra work.” Jane commented. Brian was in disbelief at how everyone was practically salivating at the thought of how much money the group was about to make, although as the ones doing all the work they were not seeing much money from it. It just made Brian think about his managers in a different light . How much money were they earning and where was it going?

 

“That’s what I like to hear, Jane. I wish the other parents were on board as you were. You definitely have your son’s future in mind.” Lou said. 

 

“I think we could look at a solo tour for Aaron after this one is over, if you want to draw up some things for me….” 

 

The conversation was making Brian sick to his stomach so he left the bathroom as quietly as he had come and made his way up front. Nick was there waiting for him with a concerned look on his face. 

 

“Everything okay?” 

 

“I heard everyone talking in the back and it wasn’t good, Nick. We need to do something.” 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Your mom, Johnny and Lou were all talking about how they didn’t care we were tired and all they want is us to make them money. They don’t care if we are sick, or dying or anything. Lou just wants to make money and so does your mom.” 

 

“That’s bullshit.” Nick said, looking towards the back of the bus where his mom was. 

 

“Nick, I think you and I need to do something. We are all tired. Nobody seems to care and it’s pissing me off. The only way that we are ever going to get any time off is if we refuse to do what Lou wants us to do. Everyone is afraid of him, but I’m not. What do you think?” Brian asked quietly. 

 

“I am tired, Brian...but like you said before, everything is about to happen. We can’t take time off now. What about all the work we did?” 

 

“True, but we need to stand up for ourselves. You became a singer because you enjoy it, right?” 

 

Nick considered this for a moment. He did do it because he enjoyed it but he also thought that money could save his family. He wanted to help them more than anything. He never wanted to see them struggle again. 

 

“Right.” 

 

“You and me will stand up to him. Together.” Brian told him, banking on the fact Nick trusted him completely to make this work. If things were going to change with their management, Brian knew he needed help. If anyone would help him it would be Nick. Between the two of them, they might be able to convince everyone else that they were overworked. 

 

“Together.” Nick smiled at him and held out his hand for Brian to shake. 

 

“Together.”

 

Brian knew that the kiss would come up again eventually, but for now he was happy having Nick on his side. 

 

Little die he know that it wouldn't last for long.


	14. Chapter 14

After finding out that the managers did not care about their health or well being, Brian and Nick grew tighter than before Nick had confessed he was gay. Nick had fainted during rehearsals in July and Brian kept him company in the hospital...staying through the night even though it turned out he was simply dehydrated and exhausted. Nick ended up taking a four day break from the rehearsals while the other boys went back to work harder than ever as if it were a punishment for Nick being tired. Nobody seemed to see what Brian saw in Lou, the others only saw the warm and friendly side of their manager, Brian knew he would need more support and started to talk to Leighanne more, long phone calls where he would rant to her about things he was finding out and what he wanted to do about it when he was able to. Nick was definitely on his mind as well. The feelings that rose during their kiss had gone to hide once Nick wasn’t around. 

All of this was making him anxious and putting stress on his body to the point where the chest pain was more frequent. 

 

“So when are you going to see a doctor?” Leighanne asked one night after Brian told her he was heading to bed early. They had been talking for only a half hour, and he was trying to make excuses for himself by saying they had rehearsal early. 

“When we have time off, I can see if-“ 

“No, you need to see a doctor. You cannot keep putting your health on hold for those people. They don’t care about you, you told me yourself how they were practically salivating at the fact y’all could earn them so much money. Aren’t you being hypocritical?” Leighanne interrupted him. 

Privately, Brian agreed he was being a hypocrite. But what could he do? 

There simply wasn’t enough time for it all. 

 

Finally August came and the boys were gearing up to release their first album in the United States, “Backstreet’s Back”. They were all excited for it and had a lot of press and promo in New York for the whole release, including signings in New York. 

“Nick, you’re rooming with AJ. Howie, you’re rooming with Kevin…” Johnny started telling the boys when they got to their hotel. 

“AJ?” Nick asked in confusion.

“Yes...Brian is bringing a guest.” 

Leighanne walked into the lobby carrying a suitcase followed by Brian, and Nick’s eyes darkened. Brian had made his choice. He had chosen Leighanne and although Nick knew Brian was in denial, some part of him was hoping that he wouldn’t stay with her. 

When they got up to their rooms, Nick slammed the door and flopped onto his bed dramatically, as AJ walked in a few minutes later. 

“What’s eating you?” AJ asked, throwing his bag on the floor. 

“I thought we weren’t allowed to bring any girlfriends or whatever. Didn’t the label say nobody was supposed to know we had them or something?” Nick sighed. How could Brian do this when they were supposed to be rooming together and teaming up to take down their manager? They were going to save the group together.

“I guess they let him do it. Come on, don’t you wanna be my roomie?” AJ said, planting a big wet kiss on Nick’s face as he wriggled away. Nick wiped his cheek and acted like he was disgusted by it because as of this moment, only Brian knew his secret and he planned to keep it that way. With this press tour, things were about to take off and Nick wanted to make sure that nothing screwed it up. 

He would put his feelings to the side for now and that would be good enough. 

It had to be. At least that was the lie that he told himself. 

 

“How do you like the view, baby?” Brian asked when he saw Leighanne by the window looking out at the street below. 

“It’s great, but I really think you should have seen a doctor during your couple days off instead of fighting to get me to come to New York with you.” Leighanne said thoughtfully. 

Brian looked at the floor, sighing. Nick had been pushing him to go to a doctor as well but he was ignoring both of them because he simply did not have time. Or rather that was the excuse he told himself. The thought of going to the doctor made him anxious on top of everything else that was going on, the stuff he was uncovering about Lou and about the album release. He was already under a lot of stress and it put stress on his chest to the point where even the pain killers were not helping him anymore. He knew he couldn’t keep putting it off but he had to, or at least that was what he decided. The group was first, he was second and it had always been that way. 

 

Brian held Leighanne’s waist and kissed her on the cheek, holding her and hoping that it would all work out for the best.

 

“So what do you want to do tonight? We don’t start any interviews until tomorrow morning...we could hit up some clubs or something.” AJ asked, watching Nick play his game boy in bed. They’d taken naps and were getting bored quickly.

“Jay, this isn’t Europe. I’m not old enough to go clubbing and neither are you. You’re only 19.” Nick said, not looking up from his video game. 

AJ scoffed, looking annoyed that he couldn’t drink here. 

“I bet I could still get some beer if I bribed someone to get it for me. You in?” 

Nick was about to answer and tell AJ that it was a bad idea when a knock came at the door. It was unexpected and abrupt because Kevin was out with Howie shopping, Brian had his girlfriend there and their management was at meetings. Who would be knocking at this time in the evening? 

“You get it.” AJ said, tossing a pillow at Nick’s head as he ducked. He walked over to the door and hoped maybe it was Brian, saying he was bored with his girlfriend and wanted to hang out for a while. 

Nick was shocked to see Leighanne at the door…..without Brian. 

“Brian’s not here, if you’re looking for him.” Nick said without thinking. Leighanne laughed, motioning for Nick to come out into the hallway and he obliged, shutting the door behind him. He was really nervous because Leighanne knew that Nick didn’t like her, and she didn’t seem to like him very much. This was the first time they’d even really talked without either yelling or without Brian in the room other than greeting each other in passing. 

“Nick? Can I talk to you about something...but not here, in private?” Leighanne asked as if she’d spent some time thinking about coming over to see him. 

Nick nodded and followed her down the hallway. His heart was thumping from nerves, was she about to tell him to fuck off? Was she going to tell him she didn’t want him to hang out with Brian anymore?

“So what’s up?” Nick asked when Leighanne made sure nobody was there to listen to their conversation. 

“I’m worried about Brian. Has he told you about any chest pain he’s having?” 

Nick thought back to the bus and at the hotel, at the video shoot when Brian thought he wasn’t paying attention. Brian was definitely uncomfortable and hiding it. 

“He’s been hiding something from me, but won’t tell me what’s wrong. When I ask him, he gets angry and pushes me away.” 

“Yeah he does that to me too. What do you think it is?” Nick sighed. 

He followed Leighanne down the hallway and they stopped at the end where there was a big window near the elevators. 

“I think he’s getting sick and it’s because your management won’t give y’all time off. Brian told me you were in the hospital. I don’t want to see him end up in there because he is too proud to admit that he needs to put himself first. Do you think there is any way we could put our differences in the past and convince Brian to go see a cardiologist? We both care about him and there is strength in numbers.” Leighanne said, taking his hand. Nick blushed and looked down at it because he was so uncomfortable. How could he convince the girl that was stealing Brian away that he was now on her side? How could he put his feelings to the side for their relationship? 

 

It definitely seemed that Leighanne Wallace loved Brian and he didn’t love her back, and Nick almost felt sorry for her because she had no idea. As far as Leighanne knew they were both falling in love. Nick knew what she didn’t, that he was not in love with her whatsoever. 

“All right, I’ll try talking to him too.” Nick agreed, and they shook hands. Nick hoped that this truce would last but deep down he sensed that joining forces with Leighanne was only going to complicate his friendship with Brian further.


	15. Chapter 15

August was a very busy month for the Backstreet Boys with their US debut album releasing. All of a sudden everyone realized they existed and they were booked solid for most of the month. Once Canada started playing their song Quit Playing Games With My Heart, it suddenly got picked up by radio stations in the US and things straight blew up. The summer seemed to go great with the small festivals they were doing and by the end of August they were back overseas, Leighanne coming along for the ride because Brian needed her company. 

 

Rather, she almost insisted she come and only she and Nick knew the reason why. They were trying to convince Brian he was getting sick but he was still being stubborn. Another thing was becoming apparent with the group as well, the fact that Lou Pearlman had taken another singing group under his wing. 

 

“This is such bullshit, I can’t stand it. Why doesn’t anyone else see a problem with what he’s doing?” Brian hissed when he came in the hotel room to find his girlfriend watching TV, or trying to watch TV in German. 

“What is the matter? Come here.” Leighanne said softly, motioning him over to the bed. Brian was very angry, more angry than she’d seen him in a long time. She immediately began to massage his shoulders as she let him rant. His shoulders and back were so tense it was like feeling a wooden plank and she worried about him even more than she did before. Brian was running himself ragged. 

“That fat bastard is not only doesn’t give a shit about our health, but he is managing another group like us. He pretty much told us they think they’re better than we are, too.” 

He breathed in and exhaled, feeling his chest throbbing from the stress. His anxiety was high today after seeing Lou and Johnny talk about the other group when they thought nobody was listening.

“Babe, you need to calm down. You are going to worry yourself sick. If you would just go see a doctor, you-“ 

That was the key word. At the sound of the word “doctor” Brian got up, pushing her away. The last thing he needed was another lecture like Nick was always giving him, the ones where Nick would pester him and ask him what was wrong. The truth was, he was getting worse and there wasn’t enough time to figure anything out. They were in the middle of a tour, and were in the process of scheduling more US shows for their first real tour there. Rehearsals would come after that, and then recording another album. There was literally no option to take any time off, no option to rest or even go to a doctor. He had to keep pushing forward for the group even though it was killing him. 

 

 

“Hello, boys. Sleep well?” Lou asked them all at breakfast one morning, at some big restaurant in Germany. Everyone was getting settled at the table and sleepily exchanged greetings with Lou, who sat at the head of the table. Brian rolled his eyes and nobody noticed but Kevin, who nudged him under the table with his foot. 

“Everything is great, Lou. What’s new? You said you wanted to talk to us about something?” Kevin piped up as the waitress took orders.

Brian almost spit out his coffee in disbelief at his cousin going along with their manager after he’d been trying to convince the other guys that Lou wasn’t what he seemed. Nobody seemed to be listening and it frustrated him beyond belief. 

“Boys, I am arranging a basketball game between you and my other group, NSYNC- for charity.” 

A collective groan escaped from everyone. 

“Look, I know they don’t like you but you have to do this event. It’s good press. It will make a lot of money for charity.” 

“More like make money to line your pockets.” Brian thought to himself sourly. He kept wondering the whole time if the money would actually go to charity or not. What else was their manager hiding from them? Brian had been poking around and what he was finding was unsettling. He hadn’t been telling the guys much but he wanted to talk to Lou privately and maybe get him to make things right before it got worse and they all walked. Brian could definitely see himself quitting the group if the others did not agree with the fact that their manager was screwing them over. 

“Do we have to? I don’t like them, they’re stupid.” Nick said as he rolled his eyes. He preferred playing basketball when it was just him and Brian. 

“Fuck those guys.” AJ agreed. 

“Now, now. That isn’t very nice. Even after all the nasty things they’ve said about you, you should still act professional at this game.” Lou said. The guys all exchanged looks, they were indeed frustrated with this other group competing for everything they’d been working so hard for the last five years. Lou was always telling them that the members of NSYNC hated them and made fun of them, that they worked harder than them and sounded better. He would compare the two often and it pissed everyone off, especially Kevin who was a perfectionist and would go along with it. 

After everyone ordered their breakfasts, the conversation turned to paychecks and schedules. 

“So we have the tour into the fall and then we can go into the studio to record the next album right away if we work things the way we’ve been doing...and look for a release early next year sometime. Sales are going up in the States so there will be more demand…” Lou droned on. 

“Wait, wait….so we won’t be home for the holidays at all?” Howie asked suddenly, setting down his coffee. Howie was looking forward to the holidays and seeing his parents because he’d been away so much. 

“You’ve already missed a few holidays, what’s a couple more? I let you boys have the Fourth Of July weekend off which was more than generous. Don’t get greedy,” Lou said. Nick exchanged looks with Brian, who pretended he wasn’t thinking about their kiss at all. Brian could feel his chest start to tighten because he was so anxious. 

“Lou, we hardly see our families.” Howie said softly. 

“Well, I’m afraid that’s part of this business. You knew there would be a lot of work and being away for periods of time.” 

Howie looked down at the table, feeling defeated. 

Nick watched Brian closely and he could tell that he was holding back but close to exploding so he nudged him, but Brian pushed him away and scowled. 

“Periods of time? Lou, we’ve been working our asses off for five years. We are all tired, doesn’t that mean anything to you? We just want a little break.” Brian protested. Nick started kicking him under the table to tell him to stop talking but he ignored him. 

“If you want to be successful, you have to sacrifice sometimes. We can’t all get our way. What is all this complaining now? My other group doesn’t ask for so much time off, you know. You are getting paid and be grateful for it.” Lou snapped. 

Brian started counting backwards from ten in his mind, trying to calm himself down but it wasn’t working. Anger was boiling inside him.,

“A paycheck that you take your cut from….” he muttered. 

“What was that?” Lou said, looking up from his many plates in front of him. 

“You heard me, Why don’t you tell everyone what you and Johnny are up to, or why we aren’t getting paid what we should be getting paid. I’d like to know what’s going on.” 

“What exactly are you accusing me of?” 

It was getting very heated at the table, Howie was watching and looked as if he wished he had some popcorn. Kevin’s mouth was hanging open and AJ was busily chewing on his bacon but trying to listen to the conversation. Nick’s plate remained full as he was still trying to stop Brian and forgotten all about his food. 

“Brian, stop….” Kevin whispered, but Brian ignored them. Lou was casting a very angry look in their direction and Johnny looked uncomfortable. Everyone was dead silent after Brian spoke but they kept eating and avoiding eye contact with one another. 

“I do not appreciate this after everything I’ve done for you. Either you stop or I can pull the plug on this tour right now. Is that what you want? To ruin everything you all have worked so hard for?” 

Brian looked at his plate of sausage and eggs and sighed, he didn’t want to ruin the group, he simply wanted to make things right. 

“All you have to do is make things right, Lou. That’s it. Just make it right. Please.” Brian begged. Lou got up and left, without a word but Brian could tell he was getting to him. Just like that, breakfast was officially over and everyone was uncomfortable. Kevin turned to him, furious. 

“Brian, why did you have to start shit like that? He’s going to take everything away….” 

“Kev, he is up to something. I heard things, and I’ve seen that our pay isn’t what it should be. If he’s doing this to us, he’s gotta be doing it to this other band. I’m going to talk to them at the game.” 

“Personally I wouldn’t bother with them but do whatever you want. We have a good thing going here, I suggest you don’t screw things up further.” Kevin scoffed, going back to his food. 

Brian turned to Nick, who had finally started eating in silence. 

“You and I are going to do some investigating….” 

Nick looked back at him and smiled. Things were definitely about to go down.


	16. Chapter 16

The night of the basketball game, Brian was nervous for a number of reasons. He’d gone to get Nick before they all went over to where it was being held to talk to him in private, because he was fully into getting the conversation with the other group. 

 

“So you’re going to come with me to talk to them, right?” Brian asked in a hushed voice so that AJ wouldn’t hear him. Nick seemed a bit distracted and then focused.

 

“Um...yeah, I’m coming with you. Are you sure this is a good idea, though? Lou said they hate us. I don’t feel like fighting with them.” 

 

Brian placed a hand on Nick’s shoulder and reassured him they’d be fine as long as management didn’t try to interfere with the conversation, which he had a feeling might happen. Nick stared at Brian the whole car ride to the venue, thinking about the things Brian had been saying to him the last few days. That they were a team, that they were unstoppable together and how he trusted him completely to help him. However, he also heard Leighanne in the back of his mind begging him to help her convince Brian to go to a doctor about the chest pain….and he agreed with her to the point where he meant to bring it up but it never seemed to happen. He knew Brian wouldn’t appreciate him and his girlfriend talking about him behind his back because he didn’t like when Brian and her did it to him. 

 

“You okay, Brian?” Nick asked suddenly, causing him to look back at him. 

 

“Huh? Yeah, I’m just thinking about things.” 

 

“Like what?” 

 

Brian shifted in his seat as he watched the passing traffic from the window. He had so much that he wanted to say to Nick but he held back and just blurted out what his brain was thinking, not his heart. His heart wanted to tell Nick that he lied to him back in July and it was bothering him. The truth was, his heart and his mind had been wrestling with these new feelings for Nick and the fact that the proper thing to do was stay with Leighanne because he should be. He felt bad for lying to her too because he liked her, but he wasn’t in love with her as Nick had not so nicely pointed out on multiple occasions during angry outbursts. 

 

Yet now Nick and Leighanne were acting friendly and this left Brian even more confused than before. At least when they were at odds he didn’t feel obligated to be swayed either direction. Brian just wasn’t sure how to put how he felt to words and he knew it was going to take some time to deal with it. Sometimes he wanted to ask Nick how he came to the conclusion that he was gay, how it all started...the truth. The feeble explanation Nick gave back in July didn’t seem to be the full story. Something was missing. 

 

“Just got a lot on my mind about the tour, about Lou…” 

 

Nick nodded thoughtfully. 

 

“Sorry, it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, it’s just a lot and I don’t know what’s going to happen. Like if I go up against Lou, he goes to the label - and the label drops us...what do we do? We’ve all worked so hard. I don’t want to ruin that for you guys. Lou is literally stealing from us, you should see what my parents helped me dig up after I overheard him on the bus talking to your mom that day. I found out so much crap, Nick. It’s making me so sick that he’s taking advantage of us and that other band. I have to say something to them, what if they don’t know? I’ll never live with myself if I don’t say something.” Brian confessed softly. 

 

“Really? Lou’s stealing from us?” Nick asked.

 

“That’s just the tip of things, but yes.” 

 

“I knew he was up to something, but this is...this is not what I was thinking at all.” 

 

“Yeah...he’s taking our money and giving us crap. I just want him to make things right, Nick. I want him to pay us. We did the work. Not him. I’m just scared, I guess. What are we going to do if nobody believes me?” 

 

“We will get through it together. Just like we are now.” Nick smiled, putting a hand on his knee. Brian shifted away, staring back out the window. 

 

Nick stared at him dejectedly and the car ride was continued in silence, nobody speaking until they reached the venue where the basketball game was being held. There were some press and fans there, the boys stopped for photos and interviews but went inside to get ready. Brian could feel himself tensing up thinking about talking to NSYNC...were they as horrible as Lou said? Lou had told them many times that the other group would make fun of them, that they hated them and thought they were better than the Backstreet Boys. Lou said that there was no way they’d ever consider each other equal. 

 

“There they are,” Nick whispered when they came out onto the court to do the introductions, he could see the other five guys from afar and they were avoiding eye contact at all costs. 

 

“We gotta talk to them somehow.” Brian whispered back, sizing them up. He wondered how they were going to do this with so many people watching. As the game went on, Brian felt like talking to them wasn’t going to happen because every opportunity he had, there were distractions. He’d tried to get their attention but it seemed like they were ignoring him on purpose and it was pissing him off. 

 

“Well?” Nick asked tentatively after another failed attempt where Brian tried to sneak into their locker room after the game. Brian looked defeated and tired. He was also hungry. Things didn’t look too hopeful right now but part of him didn’t want to give up completely yet. 

 

“I don’t know, Nick. Maybe we could find out where they’re staying and try to get them at their hotel? I’m out of ideas.” 

 

“Ya think we could come up with something after we eat? I’m starving, all that running around made me hungry but it’s getting late and like nothing is open.” Nick said, rubbing his stomach and making a face. 

 

“Are you boys hungry? We are going over to McDonalds.” Johnny called over when he heard that they were looking to eat. 

 

“Who’s we?” Brian asked when they’d finished getting their stuff together. 

 

“Justin and JC, I’m going with them so you might as well come...we can share a van- if everybody stays civil.” Johnny said as if he anticipated a full out brawl in the back of the minivan. 

 

As soon as the words left his mouth Nick and Brian looked at each other and smiled. 

 

“Okay, we’ll go.” 

 

The van was silent as the four boys, Johnny Wright and the driver went over to the nearest McDonalds. Everyone was trying to avoid eye contact with one another, Nick and Brian sitting in the first row and the other two boys sitting in the back. Brian was just gathering the words to start talking when Nick nudged him, nodding towards the other two. 

 

“Talk to them.” Nick whispered.

 

Before Brian could speak, one of the NSYNC boys did.

 

“You guys can’t even wait until we aren’t around to talk shit about us?” 

 

“Excuse me, we aren’t even talking about you so chill the fuck out.” Nick snapped at the one with the curly hair. He had earrings in his ear and looked angry. 

 

“Nick, don’t.” Brian cautioned. Nick was getting red in the face as the conversation went on and he was about to lose his temper. 

 

“Sure sounded like it. I bet it was bowl cut over there that said it too.” 

 

Brian had to hold Nick from jumping into the backseat.

 

“I’ll kick your ass right here. Pull the car over. I can take him.” Nick shouted. 

 

“Boys, knock it off.” Johnny called from the front, rolling his eyes. 

 

“If you fight like you sing, I’d say that you don’t stand a chance against me.” Justin sneered. Nick looked like the vein in his forehead was about to pop, Brian held him back and shushed him.

 

“Justin, knock it off. Johnny is gonna be pissed if we fight here.”

 

“No, I’ve had it with them thinking they’re better than us and saying shit, you heard what Lou said. I’m done with this crap, JC. They can’t keep trashing us.” 

 

“We haven’t said anything about you!” Nick shouted. It was then that Justin and JC looked genuinely confused. 

 

“You haven’t?” Justin asked. 

 

“No, dude.” Nick said. 

 

“Then why would he say that you guys did?”

 

Brian looked at them with a bewildered look on his face, blinking. It was then that things seemed to click…Lou did it so they wouldn't talk to one another and find out what he was doing. 

 

“Wait, hold up...what exactly did Lou tell you we said?” 

 

Justin looked at JC, still angry but softened his expression a little when he saw that the other two wouldn’t retaliate anymore. 

 

“I think we need to have a long talk.” JC said as they pulled into the McDonalds parking lot and Johnny told them to get out to go in and order. 

 

After everyone had ordered, the guys all sat down and waited for their food to be ready. Brian was floored at some of the stuff Lou had said to the guys from NSYNC and they were equally as shocked by the information they got from Brian. Nick stayed quiet for the most part, scowling because of the comment that Justin made about his voice. When they got their food the conversation continued. 

 

“So Lou gave us each a check at this big dinner recently, and when we opened it we saw that it was only 10,000.” JC said, opening his hamburger and taking a bite out of it. 

 

“10,000? That’s it?” Brian asked, getting pissed off again. He could only imagine how much was being taken from them too. 

 

“Isn’t that a lot of money?” Nick chimed in. 

 

“When you think about all the hours we worked, missing holidays and working all night long rehearsing, performing...the shows we have done and appearances...it should really be a lot more.” JC told them. Brian nodded in agreement, all of it was starting to make sense to him. 

 

“Have you talked to him about all of this?”

 

“Well, we haven’t exactly tried yet. We’re afraid that if we do he will take everything away. He’s pretty much told all of us if he feels we aren’t going to make him any money he’ll pull the plug.” Justin explained. 

 

“Lou told me that too.” Nick said suddenly. He had never mentioned any conversations that he had with Lou to Brian before, usually when the subject of their manager came up he was very quiet and uncomfortable. 

 

“What did he say to you, Nick?” 

 

“He said if you kept going on about this money thing that he was going to have the label drop us. He said that his other band doesn’t question him and he doesn’t want to manage a band that won’t trust him. Then he told me to keep an eye out for him but I am not doing it. He’s stealing from us...I am not helping him.” Nick confessed. 

 

“I can’t believe he asked you to spy on me, but I appreciate that you didn’t do it.” Brian smiled at him. Johnny came over to them to tell them they had to leave, so the boys decided to continue talking in the van in hushed voices. Johnny looked somewhat worried and Brian enjoyed seeing him be nervous. He was pissed off and it was far from over, he was pretty sure he was going to sue their management now, all he had to do was get the other guys to go along with it.

 

He figured once they got back to the hotel he would have a talk with everybody about what he found out and it would persuade them. 

 

Ignoring the chest pain he was currently having, Brian was excited to get things in motion for the band to get what they deserved, no matter what the cost. 

 

Even if it was costing him his health.


	17. Chapter 17

When Brian and Nick were dropped off at their hotel, Nick followed Brian into the elevator and his mind was racing. They’d just found out a whole lot of information about their manager and he couldn’t believe it. There were things he had a idea about because of conversations his mother and Lou had but he didn’t put two and two together until the talk with NSYNC at McDonalds. 

“I’m so fucking mad, Nick. I can’t see straight.” Brian ranted as they waited for the elevator to go to their floor. 

“I don’t blame you. Are you feeling okay, you should probably calm down…” Nick suggested.

Brian glared at Nick, who decided to back off for the moment. 

“I’m fine.” 

“Look, I know that all this stuff with Lou is going on, but I have to ask….are you considering going to a doctor? Even during the game you looked exhausted. You can’t keep putting yourself last. I don’t want you to get sick.” Nick said softly. 

“I’m not getting sick. You sound a lot like Leighanne. Is she putting you up to this, Nick? I don’t need the two of you telling me how to take care of myself. I’m an adult. I do not need you to coddle me.” 

“We just care about you, that’s all. Maybe you should listen to what she’s saying. She’s worried and so am I. The chest pain is not normal, Brian. You need to take care of it before something happens.” Nick protested. Brian ignored him and they were silent the rest of the way to their floor. The elevator dinged and the two of them stepped out, heading down the hallway to Kevin’s room to talk to the rest of the guys. They also stopped to get AJ and Howie, to bring them into the discussion. AJ was drinking but not drunk yet so they were able to talk him into coming. 

 

“Would you mind telling me where you two went off to after the game and why we are calling a meeting without our managers present?” Kevin asked, standing in the room in his boxers and a shirt with his arms crossed. He had been about to go to bed and was annoyed that his cousin and Nick had disturbed him because they had to be up early the next day. 

“Shut up and let me talk, Kev. You can nap later, this is important.” Brian hissed as he closed the door once AJ and Howie were in the room. Kevin opened his mouth again to argue back but he decided not to.

“Okay,” 

“First of all, I want to say that the reason our managers are not here is because this is about them. I went….well...rather Nick and I went and talked to NSYNC after the game. Johnny took us all to McDonalds.” Brian explained. 

“I knew I smelled French Fries on Nick’s breath.” AJ said, as Howie laughed and Nick scowled. 

“Did not.” 

“Did too.” AJ laughed.

“Enough. Anyway….” Brian continued, interrupting before the two of them started bickering. He went and started telling the others what Justin and JC told him about Lou, the whole time everyone was silent and in shock. Brian went on to tell them what he was finding out on his own with the help of his parents back home. 

“So what are you saying, Lou is stealing from us? He’s been stealing from us this whole time?” Kevin said finally, sitting at the end of the bed and looking at Brian in complete disbelief. 

“Yes, he’s taking one sixth of everything….as if he were a member of the group. I want to pursue a lawsuit against him but I can’t do it alone. I need you guys to back me up because if we don’t he’s gonna keep taking advantage of us for the rest of our careers. We deserve to get paid what we earned. End of story.” Brian told them. He could see Nick trying to catch his eye but he ignored him. 

“All right, but what happens when we try to sue him? Lou’s said if we left the label nobody else would pick us up.” Howie asked.

“We considered this too, and he’s full of crap. Look at how our album sales are doing right now, we are starting to get noticed over here….someone will definitely sign us to their label. We have to do something, guys. Are you with me?” 

Everyone looked at each other and to Brian’s surprised they all answered yes one by one. Brian was ecstatic...now all he had to do was reconnect with the lawyers he’d had his parents talk to back home and it would get the ball rolling for the group. He knew it was going to take time but it was worth the wait if they’d get what they deserved. 

 

 

After the confrontation with Lou and the meeting with NSYNC, the guys hardly saw Lou for much of their tour in Germany. He usually tagged along for some of the shows, inviting them to large, expensive meals but not this time. He had stopped talking to them and asking how they were doing as well. Nick preferred not being bothered by Lou and just wanted to spend time with the guys on their downtime, which they did doing some sightseeing together and Kevin would film it for his family back home. Nick had to laugh at these mock documentaries, wondering what he was going to do with the footage when they got older. He also noticed that Leighanne and Brian seemed somewhat distant and he felt bad for them, because Leighanne genuinely loved Brian. He decided to talk to her about it because he figured they could come up with something together.

“Is everything okay between you and Brian?” Nick asked, and she shook her head softly, watching for the door to make sure Brian wasn’t coming. They had just gotten done with a show and they were all looking forward to getting some sleep in as the next day was their day off. 

“He’s pushing me away, because I keep asking about his chest pain.” 

“I been trying to talk to him, I don’t know what else to do, he’s definitely getting sick. Brian’s just so hung up on getting Lou to give us our money that he’s not paying attention to himself. You can see that he’s not feeling good. He had to take two breaks today during soundcheck and he was out of breath after the show.” Nick explained as Brian walked over to them looking annoyed. 

 

“Having another meeting about me?” Brian snapped at them, and Nick sighed. 

“We are worried about you,” Leighanne explained. Brian rolled his eyes and started to walk away but came back. 

“There is nothing wrong with me. I keep telling both of you and you won’t listen to me.” 

Leighanne looked concerned as Brian began to raise his voice. 

“I SAID I’M FINE.”

“Brian, not here….” Nick begged, trying to direct him towards the elevator so they could continue the talk upstairs, but Brian pushed him off. His face was red and he was getting angry. 

“Why do I have to hide how I’m feeling, but you two are having an open discussion about me in the middle of the hotel? No, Nick. The two of you got to talk and now it’s my turn. I do not have anything wrong with me, I’m just tired.” 

“Because you’re in denial….” Nick started. 

“I’m not in denial about _anything_.” Brian hissed, glaring at Nick who didn’t mean it the way it was taken. Brian had been pushing any feelings he had for Nick away since July in a last ditch effort to convince himself he didn’t have them in the first place. It seemed the more he shoved his feelings away the worse he felt, the more he thought about them. The more he thought about them, the more stressed and anxious it would make him. He was literally making himself sick with stress from everything so he asked Leighanne to come to the tour to see if she would help. Inviting Leighanne on the road in Europe was supposed to help but that wasn’t working either. How long could he keep this up for? He wondered how Nick was handling it, pretending he was something that he wasn’t. It was exhausting.

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” Nick whispered in protest. 

The elevator opened and the three of them stepped inside, Brian jamming his finger into the numbers for their floor in frustration. 

“Well then what is this about? Because like I told you, I feel fine. Stop bothering me about this.” 

“We can’t keep watching you hurt yourself like this, babe. I don’t want you to get worse. Please….” 

Brian turned around to face her, his eyes full of fire. 

“Shut up!!!” 

“Hey, don’t yell at her.” Nick shouted, getting between them. Leighanne cowered in front of him and looked as if she were going to cry when the elevator opened again, and the three of them got off. Nick tried to ask her if she was okay but she didn’t answer. Leighanne took off running towards the room, slamming the door behind her. 

“Go and apologize to her, she’s just looking out for you, ya know. Like I am.” Nick said, shaking his head. When Brian got to the room, he saw Leighanne packing up her stuff. He felt terrible for yelling at her and Nick when he saw their faces, this wasn’t like him at all. He was becoming so angry and he hated it. He had to fix things and he had to do it now.

“Leigh…don’t do this...don’t go. I need you. I’m sorry I yelled at you, I was just upset.” 

“I don’t want to hear it, Brian. I can’t do this anymore...I can’t watch you get sick like this. I can’t watch you get so upset.” Leighanne said, crying as she packed a suitcase on the bed. Brian sat on the other bed, running a hand through his hair and sighing. All of this stress was certainly making his chest pain worse. He didn’t know how to deal with it all but he knew it was time to finally admit he needed help. 

“Okay, maybe I don’t feel 100 percent...but I don’t have time to go to the doctor with this schedule they’re giving us. We are going to be busy the rest of the year-“ 

Leighanne stood in front of him, tears in her eyes as she made Brian look at her. It was then that she said something Brian would never forget for the rest of his life….

 

“Either you go get checked out, or I’m walking away.”


	18. Chapter 18

“Either you go get checked out, or I’m walking away.” 

 

Brian gaped at Leighanne when she spoke, in utter disbelief that she would give him an ultimatum like this. 

“Walking away? Y- you want to break up with me?” Brian stammered, as if he’d been dunked in cold water. 

“I don’t want to but I can’t watch you do this to yourself. You’re becoming so angry all the time. You’re getting sick. You’re not the Brian that I met at the video shoot anymore. I don’t know you anymore. It’s like you’re becoming a different person.” Leighanne sniffled, wiping her eyes as she zipped up her suitcase and put it on the floor. Brian had to privately agree with her, he didn’t even know who he was anymore himself. How was he going to fix everything? It was all fine until Nick came along and made him feel different. All of this was Nick’s fault. 

“Baby, please don’t leave. I’m sorry…I’m afraid...I don’t know what to do.” Brian begged, starting to cry himself. He was so stressed and her leaving him wouldn’t help. He knew it would only complicate things more. Finally admitting to himself and to his girlfriend that he was afraid was definitely a huge step. 

“So will you see someone?” 

“I don’t know.” 

Leighanne held up a Polaroid that they’d taken on their first date and gave it to him, smiling sadly at him with tears in her eyes. She was so disappointed in him and knew that she had to do something drastic if she was going to get Brian to start taking care of himself. Nick had suggested that they do an intervention of some kind, but Leighanne took this idea and decided that she needed to make him see that if he didn’t get help he’d lose everything, including her. 

“When you find this Brian, you’ll know where to find me. I think I need to go.” 

She picked up her bags and left him, left him alone with his thoughts. As soon as the door closed, something happened, it was like a switch flipped in Brian’s head and he felt numb. He didn’t love her but he felt rejected, ashamed of himself. He didn’t want her to leave. He started to panic, he had to catch her somehow.

“Leigh!” Brian called, jumping up and running for the door. He caught her in the hallway and held onto the handle of her suitcase to keep her from wheeling it any further. 

“Brian, I have to do this. Let go.” 

“No. I’ll….I’ll see someone. Please...please don’t leave. I don’t want to be alone.” Leighanne’s face softened when she saw him crying. Brian looked like a scared child. Part of her wondered if he just didn’t want her to leave solely for the convienence of having someone there with him. He’d been acting so strange the last few weeks. 

“I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know what to do. Help me.” 

Leighanne leaned in and kissed him gently on the cheek, touching his face with her hand.

“The only person who can help you is yourself.” 

 

Brian decided that Leighanne and him needed some time apart so he helped her out to a cab to the airport and then went back upstairs, feeling exhausted physically and emotionally, but when he laid down to sleep he couldn’t. The room seemed so much bigger without his girlfriend or Nick there. It was too quiet, and he hadn’t slept alone in a long time. It was almost suffocating. 

The next morning, Nick came by to check on him because it was their day off. 

“You look like shit, dude. What the hell happened?” 

Brian let Nick into the room, the bedsheets were a jumble on the bed as if Brian had spent the night tossing and turning. 

“Leighanne went home because of the fight last night and she wants me to go see a doctor about my chest pain.” 

“She has a point, Brian. I don’t want to see you like this either. If you don’t want to do it for her….would you do it for me? For your family, for the group? You need to see someone. I care about you.” Nick said softly as he watched Brian sit down in the chair by the door. Brian looked at Nick, who was really looking concerned about him, just like Leighanne was. 

“I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m angry all the time now. I yelled at my girlfriend, Nick. I yelled at you. That’s not like me. This Brian...I don’t like him. How can I fix all of this? I wasn’t like this until after we went away this summer. How did things get so bad?” 

Nick looked at the floor, was Brian really blaming him for being sick? 

“You haven’t felt good for a while, Brian. The only reason you’re finally acknowledging it now is because you have been stubborn and ignoring it this whole time. This has nothing to do with me. We aren’t doing anything today, why can’t you see a doctor now?” 

“I...I don’t know, Nick. I guess I’m scared.” Brian whispered. 

“You’re afraid to go to the doctor?” Nick asked in awe. Brian was always the strongest one in his eyes, he always put him on a pedestal and thought he was like Superman. To see him so vulnerable and openly admit his fear was shocking. Brian was always the strong one, now it was Nick’s turn to give him the extra push he needed. 

“I guess. There’s just so much going on right now.” 

“You won’t know if something is wrong or not unless you go and find out.” Nick said. 

“Okay. I’ll see if Johnny can have someone come to the hotel or if I can go to one.” 

Nick smiled at him as he went to go and find their manager to see about a doctor’s appointment. 

He just hoped that it was nothing serious.

 

Nick went with Brian to a doctor nearby, they were brought there in one of the vans the group had been using on tour. 

“How are you feeling?” Nick asked softly.

“What are we going to do if there really is something wrong with me? What about the tour?” 

“You just worry about yourself and how you are going to deal with this. I’ll be right here when you come back out.” 

 

Nick waited for what seemed like forever in the waiting room. Patients came and went, nurses filed in and out. The whole time Nick thought about him and Brian. Would Brian ever accept who he was? Nick knew what Brian didn’t know. He knew that they were the same. He had feelings for him, strong feelings and he saw them in Brian’s eyes when they kissed. Part of Nick was hoping that if he helped Brian see that he was denying who he was, they in turn would grow closer together. His hope diminished when Brian came out of the doctor’s office with a solemn expression. 

“Well, what did the doctor say?” Nick asked, standing up and walking over to him. 

“He wants me to get some tests done. Something is not right, Nick. The chest pains are a warning sign…” 

“Of what?” 

Brian swallowed hard, tears in his eyes and he spoke with a shaky voice. 

“Something is wrong with my heart.”


	19. Chapter 19

Now that Leighanne was out of the picture for the remaining dates of the Backstreet Boys European Tour, Nick found that Brian seemed to cling to him more than ever after his doctor’s visit. Brian had found out that something was most definitely wrong and had to go for more tests when he could, to find out exactly what the problem was and how they would go about correcting it. Brian decided to wait until they were back in the states so he could see a doctor he could understand better. Nick kept an eye on him the whole while, which Brian didn’t seem to mind. 

“So have you scheduled your surgery yet?” Kevin asked when they were all in the back of the tour bus, watching some movie on the TV back there. Brian gave Kevin a look as if he wanted him to stop talking, but Kevin shrugged like he didn’t care. 

“Surgery?” Nick asked. Brian looked at the floor, he hadn’t really been discussing anything that was going on with his heart since he’d seen that doctor in Germany. 

“They found another hole in my heart, Nick. That’s why I’ve been having the chest pain. When I had surgery to correct my heart murmur when I was younger...they didn’t see there was more damage and it’s been eating away at my heart. I have to have open heart surgery to fix it or it’s only going to get worse.” 

Brian decided to call the others into the back of the bus so they could all talk together because he felt that they needed to hear what was going on. 

Howie and AJ walked in and sat down as Brian was mentioning the surgery, the bus shaking slightly from the highway. 

“When are you getting the surgery done? We are in the middle of a tour.” Kevin said, throwing Brian off guard. His own cousin seemed like he was more worried about the tour, which upset him but he stayed quiet. 

“I tried to schedule it for the end of this year, but we don’t have any time where I could do it so I told them I would have to reschedule it another time. I don’t know when it will be, but it has to get done, guys. If I don’t have this surgery I could die or get so sick that I cannot even perform. Either way, it’s going to affect the tour.” Brian said softly. The whole time he talked everyone was pretty quiet, avoiding eye contact with one another. 

“Did you tell Leighanne?” Howie asked. Brian looked at the floor because he hadn’t talked to her since the day she left other than a very awkward phone conversation, where they tried to discuss what was to happen to their relationship but she had to go and he didn’t get to finish what he wanted to say. 

“She doesn’t know but I figured when we get back to the states I can see her,” 

After talking to everyone, only Nick and Brian were left alone to finish the movie in the back of the bus, laying on the couch and watching the screen with the lights off. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were getting the surgery?” Nick asked suddenly, grabbing the bag of popcorn off Brian’s lap and taking a handful. 

“I’m sorry, Nick. It’s nothing personal.” Brian lied, although the real reason he didn’t tell Nick was because he wanted to tell everyone at the same time. Heart surgery was such a big subject and he felt it was better to tell all of them because it would impact the group. He’d already rescheduled the surgery once and had to postpone it again because of the tour that never seemed to end. They’d been touring non stop for a few years with very short breaks, and it was starting to wear down on everybody. Brian wondered how long they’d be able to keep doing it. 

“It’s okay, I just thought we were best friends and we could tell each other anything.” Nick whispered, leaning back into the couch cushion. 

“We can.” 

“Well, you’ve been hiding stuff from me and I’ve been completely honest with you. I told you my biggest secret, I thought that meant something.” Nick said, taking some more popcorn. Brian felt terrible about this because Nick was totally right. He’d been pushing their friendship away because he was afraid, because his pride took over and the lie he was living made him so uncomfortable. Nick had never made any advances on him and he knew that. 

“It does, I’m sorry, I just felt weird about the whole….well...you know. I don’t want you to think that I don’t accept who you are. I do. I just didn’t know how to deal with it. I mean, why did you tell me on your birthday out of everyone? I know we were alone together but you didn’t have to. You could have kept it to yourself and made something up about being upset.” Brian said. 

Nick laughed and sat up, brushing his hair out of his face.

“You’re right. I could have, but I trust you. You’re my best friend, Brian. I just felt like I had to tell someone. I mean...it’s very confusing for me too but this is who I am. I’m not going to like….start making out with you or Howie or something.” 

Brian almost wished Nick would make out with him and he shook it away, feeling anxious. He knew these feelings were not natural and he had to sort them out before he acted on them again. 

“Right. Well...I’m glad that you told me, I guess. I just don’t want you to ever think that I hate you.” 

Nick smiled at him, a genuine smile for the first time in a while. They’d been going through ups and downs but at the end of the day they were friends and it felt good to talk about things. 

“I don’t think you hate me. I just felt like I freaked you out or something. I felt like I scared you. I don’t want to ever make you uncomfortable...if I do you can tell me. I won’t force anything on you that you don’t want. Like that kiss. I am sorry for pestering you about it.” Nick said quietly, making sure the others weren’t around to hear it. Nobody knew about the kiss and he wanted to keep it their secret, even if he knew Brian wasn’t ready to admit who he was just yet. 

“No, I just have a lot of stuff going on. It’s not you. Besides, I was proving a point with that kiss, it really didn’t mean anything.” Brian lied. Nick was lying close to him on the couch, and he wanted to be next to him. His head started to hurt and he felt confused. How was he going to figure all of this out? 

Only time would tell.


	20. Chapter 20

The weeks went by, tour seemed to drag and it was now October. The guys had been on the road all year, with the exception of rehearsals and stopping for appearances here and there. Brian knew that after the European tour was over, they had two weeks before the American leg started. They’d have ten days of rehearsal and a bit of a break, Brian was hoping to schedule a doctor’s appointment in between and maybe talk to Leighanne, who he’d only had conversations with on the phone. He hadn’t told her about the surgery yet but he did know he screwed up with her and she decided to give them another chance because he seemed less stressed. When the guys were in LA doing some TV shows, he made sure to come by and see her as soon as he was able to. 

 

“Hey, you.” Leighanne said warmly, letting Brian into her apartment in LA. It was small but cozy. They’d been talking on the phone after that day she had left in Germany, Brian told her all about the heart problems he was having and they ended up patching things up. It was as if no time had passed between them when they got back together. 

Brian kissed her and was disappointed that he felt nothing, did not feel the spark he did last time they kissed...but he didn’t show this on his face at all. She returned the kiss and led him further into the room, still kissing. Leighanne was very happy to see him and he was happy too, but something felt different this time. The kiss he shared with Nick felt more real and he pushed it away as he and Leighanne exchanged kisses. 

“I missed you so much.” Brian breathed into the crook of her neck as his lips moved there. 

 

“You don’t have any feelings for her.” 

 

Brian ignored the little voice in his head as they moved to the couch. 

“I missed you too.” Leighanne kissed back. 

 

“So how are you doing?” 

“Pretty good, I’ve been going for tests to find out what’s wrong with me, Nick kind of talked me into going when we were in Germany. He went to the appointment with me and everything, he’s been really supportive.” Brian explained. As he talked about Nick he started wondering again if Nick did it because they were friends or because he had ulterior motives. Brian hated thinking this way but he was wary of everyone these days, especially after finding out what a scumbag and a liar Lou Pearlman was. It was hard for him to trust anyone anymore. 

“He did? I guess I’ll have to thank him next time I see him then.” Leighanne said smiling as she leaned in again, but Brian pulled away. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Why would you have to thank Nick for taking me to the doctor?” Brian asked hesitantly. Leighanne seemed flustered all of a sudden as if she were trying to hide something.

“No reason. We were both worried about you. What matters is now you are getting help and can get better. Nick and I just want what’s best for you.” 

Brian decided to calm down and he agreed with her, but he made a mental note to talk to Nick as soon as he saw him. 

 

The opportunity presented itself only a day later when Nick took him to the Lakers game that night, and Brian agreed to go even though he was still annoyed with him. The two of them didn’t have the floor seats Lou had given them when Brian blew Nick off for Leighanne but they were still pretty good anyway. The two of them sat down with their snacks and sodas, waiting for the game to start when Brian decided now was the time to ask him about what Leighanne had said. 

“I told Leigh about the surgery.” Brian said as he took a sip from his soda. 

“That’s great. I bet she was happy you are getting the help you need to get better.” Nick smiled, but as soon as he saw Brian’s expression the smile slid right off his face. 

“You’re mad at me?” 

“Nick, you told me that you didn’t like my girlfriend and now you guys are talking about me behind my back? What else have you told her? What have you guys talked about when I’m not there?” Brian said quietly so nobody near them could hear. 

“That’s not fair at all, dude. You told her I was annoying and clingy! Don’t be a hypocrite.” Nick hissed back. Brian could feel his temper flaring up already even though Nick was absolutely right. He did talk about Nick behind his back. He did make fun of him for being clingy in front of Leighanne to cover the fact that he liked Nick in a way that was beyond friendship. He hated himself for it. He didn’t want to feel different. He wanted to feel normal again, how he felt before all of this started.

“I’m a hypocrite?” Brian scoffed. The game started but they were not paying attention to it, they kept arguing. 

“You’re a hypocrite, Bri. You wanna tell me I’m going behind your back….at least it was because I fucking care about your health and not because I’m lying to myself and my girlfriend about my feelings.” Nick said. Brian’s face turned beet red and he couldn’t even think of a comeback to that comment. The fact he wasn’t being fully honest with Leighanne and Nick called him on it pissed him off even further. 

“I’m not fucking lying to myself about anything, Nick. I don’t care if you wanted something to happen from that kiss or not. It’s not going to fucking happen. Never.” 

“The fact that you keep pushing me away tells me otherwise.” Nick retorted. At that point people around them seemed to be getting annoyed by them arguing and a guy behind Brian tapped him on the shoulder.

“Dude, can you argue with your boyfriend after the game?” 

“HE’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!!” Brian practically shouted as Nick snickered into his popcorn. It was almost funny how agitated he got at the mention that he might be gay. 

“Brian, come on.” Nick said gently as he tugged on Brian’s shirt to sit down. 

“Can you believe that guy...assuming that we...that you and I are…” 

“That we’re what?” 

“Nothing. Look, I’m sorry for getting angry with you. You’re the one who’s been with me this whole time with my heart stuff. I really appreciate that. When I do finally schedule the surgery...you'll come visit me in the hospital, won’t you?” Brian asked. He had been talking with some doctors about having the surgery at the Mayo Clinic and had not set any dates yet because he still needed to settle it with management. This, the lawsuit among everything else was stressing him out and Brian just wanted to fix everything and be happy again. 

“Of course I will. Why wouldn’t I?” Nick asked with a smile. 

“I dunno. I just feel safer with you there.” Brian replied. Nick looked at him and tried to forget their arguement because while it was stupid and Brian was being an ass, Nick coudn’t help the way he felt. 

“I’ll always be here for you.” Nick promised. 

The two of them ignored the cheering of the people at the basketball game around them and looked each other in the eyes, smiling and for a split second...there was nobody else in the room. Brian’s face turned red again and he looked away, Nick shaking his head after. 

Nick hoped that one day Brian would come to his senses and realize what was in front of him before it was too late.


	21. Chapter 21

“Have a good Thanksgiving, Nick.” Brian said, when they got to the airport. The boys had a couple of days off for the holiday and everyone was looking forward to seeing their families even if it was for such a short period of time. 

 

“I guess.” Nick shrugged, adjusting the strap on his backpack and sighing. He was going to miss the boys because he didn’t look forward to seeing his own family. At home he felt out of place but with the Backstreet Boys he felt like he finally belonged somewhere, for the first time in his life he didn’t feel so lonely. This was how he felt when he was Brian, even if he didn’t return his feelings. 

 

“You okay?” Brian asked, hearing his flight to Kentucky being called and getting his carry on bag. 

 

“I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me.” Nick said with a smile. He and Brian said their goodbyes and Nick watched him go, the last of the guys leaving him by himself in the airport terminal. 

 

“Nick’s home!!” Leslie called when Nick came in the door, after his father had picked him up from the airport and ranted about how he couldn’t wait until Nick had his own driver’s license so they didn’t have to cart him places anymore. BJ came running into the room and Leslie followed her to greet their big brother. Brushing off what his father had said in the car, he ignored him and looked out the window while he thought of everything that had been happening the last few months. How he wanted so badly to tell Brian how he felt about him but knew he never could. Brian simply did not accept him even though he said he did many times, he was afraid. Nick was pretty comfortable with his feelings and who he was but there was still a lot to figure out and hiding everything was taking its toll. Now that he was home, all Nick wanted to do was go to bed and sleep for the next two days until they were off on the road again doing something else. 

 

“Hey BJ.” Nick said, putting his arms around his sister and hugging her as she giggled. He loved his brother and sisters but sometimes he liked the peace and quiet of the tour bus when the other guys were asleep and everything was still. 

 

“We missed you, Nick. Are you staying home now?” Leslie asked, following Nick and BJ into the kitchen where he looked to see if there was any food. He was starving after the flight and ride home. His two sisters watched intently as he looked for something to eat, but he just grabbed a soda and opened it. 

 

“I missed you guys too, but I’m only here until Saturday.” 

 

Nick hated how disappointed his sisters looked.

 

“Now, don’t give me those faces guys. I am trying to help mom and dad out...you know that. They need money and I’m the reason we have this house. I’m the reason we aren’t living in the back of Dad’s pickup.” Nick said, remembering when he was very young and the stories his mom would tell him about living out of the truck while they looked for a place to live. Now that he was the main breadwinner, and Aaron was kicking off his career they could afford a bit more, but sometimes his family still struggled. At least Nick thought they did because his parents often fought over money and Nick felt that if BSB became more successful he could save them. He wanted the type of family Brian came from. A perfect family. The type of family that he watched on TV shows in black and white, the ones that didn’t have any problems. The ones that didn’t have a son that was secretly gay. Nick almost chuckled to himself at that last part because he knew what Brian didn’t want to admit. 

 

“I know. I just miss you.” Leslie told him, hugging him around the waist. 

 

“I missed you too.” Nick smiled. 

 

“It’s better when you’re here because Mom and Dad are not home as much.” 

 

This statement made Nick so sad that he wanted to scoop his sisters and Aaron up and find their own place to live, where they wouldn’t have to hear the fighting or feel like they were burdens anymore. He wanted to save them. 

 

“It’s nice to be home.” Nick replied as he heard his parents fighting in the next room. He wondered what Brian was doing and hoped that he was going to have a good holiday so that at least one of them would. 

 

Nick went into his room where he closed the door and laid down on the bed, throwing his backpack and suitcase on the floor. After everything he’d been going through with Brian the last few months and touring…the stuff with Lou, his own feelings...all he wanted to do was sleep but his brain wouldn’t shut off. How was he going to tell his family that he was gay? How would he tell anyone after Brian acted the way he did? It was then that Nick knew this was something he had to continue to keep to himself. Even if it meant having a fake girlfriend to throw people off, like Mandy…but would she take him back? He knew he couldn’t wait around for Brian forever. Part of him knew that Brian was going to take a long time to admit to himself what Nick had seen in him and he wondered maybe if he wasn’t so available Brian would finally come to his senses. He didn’t want to date another girl but didn’t know any other guys his age that were like him and had no idea where to look. He couldn’t exactly take out an ad.

 

He laid there in his bed for a while, his brain buzzing with thoughts until he allowed himself to finally fall asleep.

 

 

“Hey, you’re home!” Brian’s mother greeted him when he arrived at the house. He kissed her on the cheek and went into the house, where he smelled something cooking from the kitchen. 

 

“Yeah, I just got in.” Brian said wearily.

 

“You must be tired, why don’t you take a nap before we eat and we can talk about everything?” Jackie told him sweetly, helping him with his bags to his bedroom. Brian hadn’t felt tired until his mother said he looked tired, so he decided that a nap was a good idea. 

 

“Hm, I suppose I am a bit tired.” 

 

“I’ll call you when supper is ready.” Jackie called from down the stairs. Brian went into the guest room where he was staying...he had not lived home for some time since he’d graduated high school, in fact he lived in an apartment in Orlando with Kevin and Howie. When he’d first heard they were getting Thanksgiving off he called his parents right away and told them he wanted to come home and have Thanksgiving dinner. 

 

When Brian laid down he felt so tired, yet his brain was going a mile a minute. He wondered what Nick was doing, and then shook that away to think about his heart surgery that he was trying to schedule. He also thought about Leighanne. He thought about his mother downstairs and how disappointed she would be if he was gay, not to mention he’d been lying about it. Brian knew what Nick knew and hadn’t fully admitted to himself that he had feelings for Nick, that his heart fluttered when they had kissed back in the hotel room that summer night. He didn’t want to tell Nick that he was wrong for making him hide who he truly was, that what he felt was wrong. Brian felt horrible for doing so and knew that he was a giant hypocrite just as Nick had told him at the basketball game. Brian hated himself for what he was doing to Nick and he had no idea how to make it up to him. He also had no idea what he was going to do about his relationship with his girlfriend, that was getting pretty serious. They’d even started some talk about what would happen if they ever decided to settle down, but Brian knew they were not ready for that yet. It was too soon and he didn’t want to rush it if his heart wasn’t in it. He had to sort out his feelings for Nick somehow, even if it meant either Nick or Leighanne getting hurt. Someone was definitely going to get hurt when he made his decision and Brian wasn’t looking forward to doing that. 

 

He finally drifted off to sleep, the faint smell of food drifting into his nostrils. There would be plenty of time to think about all this later. 

 

Or so he hoped.


	22. Chapter 22

After Thanksgiving, the rest of the year seemed to fly by. The Backstreet Boys did more shows and the tour was in Canada by the end of December. Everyone was getting tired and couldn’t wait for some time off but it didn’t look like they were stopping soon now that the group was getting more and more attention. Sales were doing great and the next album was already being discussed. They were in talks with a few people about the next tour too, but truthfully everyone wanted a break. 

 

“So what are we doing for New Year’s Eve this year, fellas?” AJ asked as they came out of their bus to go into the arena in Montreal to do rehearsals. 

 

“I dunno. Maybe we should stay in this year.” Nick suggested, not feeling like partying. Thanksgiving and Christmas had been pretty uneventful so he was a bit burnt on holidays, especially because he’d tried to get in touch with Mandy and failed horribly. It was then that Nick decided that he couldn’t fake a relationship and wondered how Brian was doing so well at it, but supposed that Brian was still in denial so it was easier for him. Even if Mandy had wanted him back he couldn’t do that to her or himself. She deserved someone that loved her, just as Leighanne.

 

“Leighanne is going to be in town so we are probably looking to do something.” Brian said, looking forward to seeing his girlfriend for New Year’s. 

 

“So is Kristin.” Kevin chimed in. 

 

“So where does that leave me, AJ and Nick...because we don’t have girlfriends.” Howie asked with a chuckle. 

 

“Have a threesome?” AJ joked, elbowing Nick who held back a scowl. He fake laughed and then coughed because he was uncomfortable. 

 

“Maybe we could just have a night at the hotel and watch the ball drop on TV...order in some pizza and just hang out.” 

 

Nick genuinely liked this idea, but he didn’t want to have to watch Brian slobber on his girlfriend at midnight. Secretly he wished he could be the one kissing him and nobody else would be there, just the two of them alone on some rooftop or another romantic place. He started to daydream and then noticed everyone staring at him. 

 

“What?” 

 

“You’re zoning out, Nick. I asked what you thought of staying in this year.” Kevin asked. 

 

Nick started to blush. “I don’t care, I’d rather stay in anyway. I’m not old enough to go out.” 

 

“That’s ‘cause you’re still a baby.” AJ teased, ruffling his hair. Nick hated being called the baby and scowled as everyone laughed. 

 

“You’re still a baby too. You’re not 21.”

 

“I’m still older than you.” 

 

“That means you’ll become an old man before me.” Nick said bluntly, which seemed to irritate AJ and he thoroughly enjoyed his expression afterwards. 

 

“Okay so we are all staying in then.” 

 

“Does that mean I can drink?” AJ asked, and everyone rolled their eyes at him, all shouting at the same time. 

 

“Shut up AJ!” 

 

The guys had a show on New Year’s Eve so they planned to go back to the hotel afterwards, and only Kevin’s girlfriend ended up making it because she was on the road with the guys already. Leighanne’s flight from LA got canceled and she couldn’t come so Brian was in a poor mood all evening, yet he put on a smile for the crowd at the concert. Secretly Nick was very happy she couldn’t make it but he felt bad for Brian. He also hoped somehow they would end up alone but knew that wouldn’t be possible with how much Brian was in denial. It was then that it also hit Nick that he was about to be 18. It had been almost a whole year since he had confessed his secret to Brian, only to be told hiding it was the best thing to do. Nick wanted to tell everyone. He wanted to be honest with his friends and family but if they all acted the way Brian did, he didn’t want that. Nick knew that it was best kept to himself but he also didn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life. Hiding who he wanted to be was slowly eating away at him and he knew it but there was nothing he could do. 

 

He suddenly wished that he could just go to bed and ignore the start of the new year.

 

“You okay?” Brian asked, noticing how distant he was. 

 

“I’m fine.” Nick lied with a smile. Yes, smiling to hide how he was feeling would work. Nobody ever seemed to question it anymore, he could easily fool them into thinking he was happy but the truth was he could sometimes feel like he was drowning. Brian’s words echoed in his head sometimes. 

 

“Don’t tell anyone, they won’t accept you. Pretend you’re normal.” 

 

Pretending he was straight was easy, pretending he didn’t love Brian was the hardest part. Nick had finally started to find the place where he belonged but then when he realized he was gay, it was snatched from him. He never felt more alone in his life, because he had nobody to talk to about these feelings. He had almost opened up to Lou, in one of the private meetings they had at his house once. Lou had made him feel very uncomfortable and he left, but he didn’t tell anybody about that experience. Something about Lou had made him uneasy and when Brian started poking holes in their trust in their manager, it really made Nick think back to that night. Was it normal for their manager to offer shoulder massages or let them watch pornography in his house, especially when he was a minor? It was during these pornography viewings Nick started to wonder if he liked boys more than girls. He had started to explore and found that he did get attracted to men, including figuring out his feelings for Brian went beyond simple friendship or brotherhood. 

 

So many questions had come up and Nick stayed silent because he didn’t want people to freak out on him or start asking questions. He was afraid if anyone knew he would get in trouble, or the band would lose their record deal, that everything could get taken away. 

 

Too many questions made him nervous. He was afraid if they kept asking he would have to tell them his secret. For now, it was better if just him and Brian knew. 

 

Later on that night, the guys were all at the hotel room minus Kevin. Kevin said he wanted some alone time with Kristin so it was just the four younger members of BSB, and some liquor along with pizza and whatever junk food they managed to get back to the room. Nick was quiet most of the time, just watching whatever music act was playing on Dick Clark.   

 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Brian asked again, looking at him skeptically. Nick once again put his smile on and reassured him he was just tired. At some point he managed to sneak away, and onto the roof of the hotel to look at the stars. He just wanted to be alone and think, away from all the noise from the others. It was very cold out but he didn’t mind, as he had a heavy coat and his hat on as he stood outside on the snowy rooftop in Canada, wishing he didn’t have to hide away. He wanted to shout from the rooftop how he felt and who he was. 

 

“I thought I might find you up here. It’s freezing, Frack. Why don’t you come inside?” Brian’s voice said suddenly, startling him. Nick wiped his eyes and put on another smile. 

 

“I just needed some air, that’s all.”

 

“Are you crying?” Brian asked, surprised to see tears in his eyes. It was like Nick’s birthday all over again, when he cried in front of him. 

 

“What is with...what’s with all the questions?” Nick asked, trying to hide that he was clearly upset. 

 

“Come on, I’m not stupid.” 

 

“I don’t know about that. You seem to be acting pretty dumb lately so you had me wondering.” Nick half chuckled, wiping his eyes and shivering. 

 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Brian asked, stunned that Nick was calling him stupid although he had to admit he was once again right. 

 

“I’ll be fine. I was just thinking, that’s all..thinking about the last year.” 

 

“It’s been a great year for the group, why are you sad?” 

 

Nick had to laugh again, shivering because he was starting to get cold.

 

“Sure, for the band it’s been great, but not for me. Remember when I told you my secret?”  Nick whispered. 

 

“Yes, Nick...if this is because I told you to pretend that you were not gay...I’m sorry for telling you that. I shouldn’t have said that. I was an asshole for saying it. If you’re gay I support you. I told you that in Cocoa Beach. But don’t get this romantic idea in your head that I’m going to leave Leighanne for you and fall in love with you. You are gay but I’m….I’m…” 

 

Nick stared at him, waiting for him to finish but he didn’t for a long time. He raised an eyebrow at him and Brian blinked. 

 

“I’m not.” 

 

“That’s not what I’m thinking about, but since you brought it up...there is no if. I’m gay. I am gay whether people know it or not. Actually. I might be bisexual but I lean more towards men. Women do not interest me. That is why I broke up with Mandy. That’s why I’ve felt like I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t fit in. Probably never will.” Nick said as he began to follow Brian back into the hotel where it was warm. They went down the stairs and a hallway towards the elevator to go to the room where everybody was watching TV. 

 

“You don’t need to stand out, Nick. You’re fine the way you are.” Brian protested, hitting the button for the elevator. 

 

“Don’t start that shit, dude. You said it yourself. It’s not normal. Nobody is going to love somebody like me.” 

 

“That’s not true.” 

 

Brian ignored the voice in his head as they boarded the elevator. 

 

“I’ve accepted it. I pretty much accepted it back when we kissed. If you don’t even feel anything towards me…” 

 

“Nick, I promise you. You’re only 17...you have your whole life to find love like I’ve found with Leighanne. There is someone for you.” 

 

Nick rolled his eyes as the voice in Brian’s head persisted and prodded to make him act on his feelings. Once again, he pushed them away and hid them. His stomach was doing backflips as he kept suppressing his feelings. 

 

_You’re looking at him._

_Don’t even go there...after all the pushing away you did, he won’t want you now. He’s starting to give up on love. You need to show him he’s wrong._

 

As the elevator dinged towards their destination, Brian had a fleeting thought that since they were alone together and he had a strong desire to kiss Nick then and there, he should kiss him and get it over with. He wrestled with this for a few moments and finally decided he would go for it, but he held back because the elevator reached the floor they were on. He suddenly had a crazy idea. 

 

When the elevator door opened, Nick moved to get off but to his surprise the door closed again. He turned to see Brian hitting the close button and hitting a random floor number. Brian smiled sneakily at him and then the next thing he knew…Brian had pushed him up against the side of the elevator wall, his lips engulfing Nick’s in a fiery passion. 

 

“What…” Nick barely gasped between breaths as Brian kissed him. He returned it, not caring what anyone thought. Was this really happening?

 

It was definitely an interesting night.


	23. Chapter 23

Nick was breathless when the elevator dinged and opened again, and Brian hit the button for their floor. It was silent but Nick’s head was swimming. He could only hear the sound of the elevator moving and the two of them breathing, it was so quiet. 

 

“So...um…” Nick started but stopped, blushing. He had to suppress the laugh he was holding in because he’d been wanting to kiss Brian but wasn’t bold enough to just go ahead and do it, knowing that Brian didn’t want it. He would never just kiss him without knowing the feeling was mutual out of respect. 

 

Brian looked at him, blushing too. Nick smiled in spite of himself. 

 

Nick opened his mouth to speak but Brian leaned in and kissed him again. The two of them went for a while until Brian pulled away, blushing again. 

 

“What was that?” Nick asked, blushing as well. His face felt very warm and Brian’s was turning redder by the second. 

 

“I...er-“ Brian stammered. He literally had nothing to say because he couldn’t believe he even went through with the kiss, then continued...and now he knew Nick was going to have so many questions. He didn’t want to answer anything, he just wanted to find out why he had these feelings and what he could do about them. He didn’t even care about anything else at this point. 

 

The elevator reached their floor and they got off, wanting to get to their room and not even go to AJ’s to watch the countdown. This was more important than that. 

 

“Hey, where are you two going?” AJ called down the hall after them, when they started to duck into their room. Ignoring AJ, Nick slammed the door behind them and ripped off his coat, tossing it on the bed. 

 

His head was swimming with so many thoughts right now, about the kiss and about Brian. They really needed to talk and now was the perfect time to discuss their feelings, because clearly Brian had just showed he reciprocated them. There was no denying that Brian was attracted to him after what had just transpired in the elevator. 

 

NIck moved closer to Brian, thinking about starting up again with the kissing but Brian turned away and left him confused. The passion they had just a moment ago seemed to vanish in an instant. Nick could feel himself getting anxious. 

 

“What’s wrong?” 

 

“We need to talk.” Brian said suddenly in a serious tone, rubbing the back of his head with his hand. He was still blushing from before and his mouth felt dry. 

 

“I would say we do.” Nick stated.

 

Brian started pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what he wanted to say. He knew that this couldn’t go further with Nick because one...there was no way he could be gay- and secondly, he was already in a relationship. Brian was already internally punishing himself for allowing to show Nick how he felt, when he knew nothing could come of any of it. He was also still with Leighanne and he had just cheated on her. The guilt was making him sick to his stomach and he could tell Nick was feeling uncomfortable with all the silence.

 

“You’re making me nervous.” 

 

“Nick...about what just happened-“ 

 

“I thought you said you weren’t gay?”

 

“I...I don’t know anymore. That’s the thing, Nick. I don’t know and it scares me, okay? I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I don’t know who I am right now, or what I’m doing but that kiss just felt right for some reason and now I’m confused.” Brian confessed. For the first time since summer, he felt lighter but he was still scared. He was scared of people not accepting him, about losing everything that he’d worked for.

 

“You don’t need to be afraid of me, Brian. I told you that back in July. What are you so scared of?” Nick said matter of factly. 

 

“I’m not afraid of you,” Brian protested, sitting down on the bed across from Nick and looking at the floor. He felt nauseous and his heart was racing.

 

“Well, what are you afraid of then?” 

 

Nick suddenly seemed so much wiser than he was and Brian was almost embarrassed by the fact that Nick seemed to be handling everything better than he was. Even though he was so much younger, Nick knew.How could he be so stupid? His pride hurt. 

 

“I really don’t know, but the thing is- the thing is that you’re a minor. I can’t fool around with a minor and I shouldn’t have kissed you, I don’t know what I was thinking when I did that.” 

 

As soon as the words left his mouth he knew Nick would know he was full of shit. At this point Brian really had no other cover for even having any romantic feelings towards his best friend and he was now backed into a corner. Nick scoffed so loud that Brian thought the guys would hear them down the hall arguing so he dropped his voice and continued to say that there was no way anything could continue between them, instead of telling Nick how he felt. 

 

“So that’s the excuse you’re going with? That I’m underage.” Nick said slowly as he crossed his arms with a somewhat bemused expression. 

 

Brian just sat in silence, shrugging dumbly. He could tell Nick was upset but hiding it, although his eyes were throwing daggers. 

 

“You know, I’m going to be 18 in a couple of weeks.” 

 

“I know that. I don’t want to complicate our friendship, Nick. I don’t want to screw everything up with this, I just want to find out what all of it means. I didn’t mean for anything else to happen, and I suppose I gave you the wrong impression.” 

 

Nick looked extremely displeased. 

 

“You are so full of shit. The wrong impression?! Look, if you don’t want to admit that you felt something when we kissed in July or even when we kissed just now...that’s fine- but..” 

 

Brian’s face was redder than before because he was starting to get angry. 

 

“But what, Nick?” 

 

For a moment, Nick thought about telling Brian but then decided that he didn’t deserve to know he liked him because who was he kidding? Brian would never want to be with him. Brian couldn’t admit to himself who he was because he was too afraid. Brian was toying with him because he didn’t know what he wanted and Nick didn’t want to subject himself to this. It wasn’t fair to either of them. 

 

“Never mind.”  Nick sighed, crossing his arms in defeat. 

 

“You think you know me so well.” Brian told him, turning away and looking at the wall behind the TV set. He knew he’d fucked everything up, yet again. He wanted to be with Nick, wanted to tell him that he was wrong and that he did feel something when they kissed but he knew that if they were together it could ruin everything. If the two of them told everyone it would be over. Their careers would be finished. 

 

“I know you better than anyone, Brian. That’s because I care about you. You’re my best friend. I just want you to be happy. If you would just be honest with yourself you’d be happy.” Nick said softly. Brian considered this but there was no way he could even admit anything to himself. He just wasn’t ready...although he almost told Nick tonight, he just wasn’t ready to tell anybody because he had no idea what he wanted yet. 

 

“I don’t need you to tell me who I am, I know who I am. I’m just confused.” 

 

Nick scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

 

“Okay, have it your way then.” 

 

“Have it what way? Do you think I want it this way? I don’t.” 

 

There was no reply because Nick had walked into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. Brian could have sworn he heard Nick sniffling. 

 

Nick leaving left him feeling more alone than when he found out he was spending New Year’s Eve alone. He thought about calling out to Nick and saying he was lying and he was sorry, that he didn’t mean anything he’d said but the bathroom door slamming was the only reply. Staring at the empty hotel room, Brian sighed and for the first time he truly hated himself for the way he was behaving.

 

He’d fucked up big time this time. 

 

       


	24. Chapter 24

New Year’s went and as the weeks passed and tour went on, Nick started to distance himself from Brian slowly because he had enough. He was tired of waiting. When his birthday came around they filmed an episode of Sabrina The Teenage Witch, and did some stops in New York that week. The guys were in pretty good spirits, and Leighanne had rejoined Brian for the tour, to Nick’s disappointment. He was hoping that he and Brian would spend his 18th birthday together but it didn’t look like that was happening after all. 

 

Nick kind of moped around most of that morning even though the guys took him out for breakfast, and Leighanne was quick to notice his change in mood when they got back to the hotel. Brian didn’t seem to care as he had other things on his mind, kissing at her earlobe as they walked in the lobby. 

 

“Babe?” Leighanne said, gently moving so that Brian could focus on their conversation.

 

“Mmm?” 

 

“I think we should take Nick out tonight for his birthday.” 

 

Brian looked at her skeptically before Leighanne continued to tell him they should take Nick out to dinner so he wouldn’t be alone.

 

“We all just went out. I haven’t seen you in weeks, baby. I wanted to spend time with you tonight.” Brian lied. To be honest, he wanted to take Nick out but with his girlfriend here his focus was back on what he thought his life was supposed to be. He cared for Leighanne very much but their love was pretty one sided. It frustrated him to the point where he could feel his anxiety bubbling to the surface when they were together. 

 

“I know, but he looks lonely. We could take him out for a while, I think it would be great for him.” Leighanne said kindly, smiling. Brian liked that they were getting along but the last thing he wanted to do was hang out with the two of them together. They’d never done that before. 

 

“Where do you suggest?” Brian asked, finally agreeing. Leighanne was the one who went to Nick and asked him to join them for dinner, which to Brian’s surprise he accepted. He knew the two of them were getting along lately but it was weird to see them being so comfortable. 

 

The three of them ended up going to a restaurant that had an arcade inside, something that Brian had ended up suggesting because Leighanne wasn’t sure what Nick would like. They got dressed and ready to go, taking a taxi to the place and settling in. 

 

“Thank you so much for taking me out, you didn’t have to.” Nick said as he put his coat down on the booth where they were sitting. 

 

“Don’t be silly, I didn’t want you to be alone for your birthday. Especially after the big party Lou threw you last year. AJ was telling me all about it. That must have been great.” Leighanne replied. Nick looked down at the floor, blushing. 

 

“Um….yeah. Well parties like that aren’t really my thing.” 

 

"That's surprising. I would have thought you liked parties."

 

"Not really. It's more AJ's style." 

 

Nick looked at Brian and they locked eyes for a few moments as he thought of his birthday last year, where he had told Brian his deepest secret. 

 

_“I think I might be gay…”_

 

It was then that Nick also remembered what Brian had said a few weeks ago at New Year’s. Brian had told him nothing could happen between them because he was a minor. Nick suddenly smirked, he was now 18 and the excuse would not work anymore. He decided tonight he would finally make a move and didn't care if Leighanne was there. He was determined to see if Brian was really full of crap about his feelings towards him or not. 

 

The two of them had sat next to each other in the booth and Leighanne on the other side of the table opposite Brian so Nick used this to his advantage. He started flirting with Brian subtly so that Leighanne wouldn't notice, but it was clear that it was turning Brian on. 

 

"Let’s see you try to wiggle out of this." Nick thought as he smirked. Ignoring Nick, Brian and his girlfriend started to order their food. Nick went to work rubbing his ankle up Brian’s shin to see if he could get a reaction. He watched Brian squirm slightly but nothing else happened but him moving his foot away.

 

“Not here.” Brian whispered to Leighanne, behind the menu so that Nick couldn’t hear. 

 

“Not here what?” Leighanne asked in confusion. 

 

Brian looked at her like she had two heads and put the menu down after they ordered so the waitress could take it. 

 

“You know what I mean.” 

 

Nick eyed the two of them, trying to hide his smile. Brian was getting frustrated already.

 

“Not really, sweetie.” 

 

Brian decided to leave it alone as they waited for their food, ignoring it for now. Something was definitely going on but he couldn’t put his finger on it. 

 

“Why don’t we check out the games while we wait?” Nick asked innocently. The three of them decided to play some skee ball and although Leighanne wasn’t really into sports the three of them still had a great time, Nick making sure to keep subtly flirting as time went on. So far Brian was resisting, because Leighanne was present and wanted to keep up the facade. It was during dinner, however that Nick finally upped the ante because Brian nearly jumped when he felt a hand on his leg under the table.

 

“I thought I told you earlier, not here. You can’t wait until we get back to the hotel?” Brian whispered to his girlfriend, who was starting to eat her pizza. Leighanne looked genuinely confused. Brian could feel himself getting turned on as the hand shifted again, rubbing against his inner thigh. It traveled closer and closer to his groin. Brian jerked back, his face red because he was getting flustered. Nick smiled and retracted his hand, his face calm as if he had no idea what was going on. He continued to eat, trying to hold back a smile. 

 

“Will you knock it off. I’m trying to eat!” Brian hissed. Leighanne didn't hear him. The hand seemed to know exactly where to touch and how, he got aroused pretty quickly and he hated it because he was out in public and couldn’t do anything about it.

 

“Baby, what’s wrong with you? I haven’t done anything.” 

 

Suddenly the hand was there again, and he could feel himself getting turned on once more, the bulge in his pants growing bigger by the second...only this time when he looked across at Leighanne he noticed both of her hands were occupied. Horror struck he moved his gaze to Nick who was now smirking at him and letting his hand continue to wander. He hated that he was getting so bothered by this because there was absolutely nothing he could do without giving himself away. 

 

“I….er...I have to go to the bathroom.” Brian said suddenly, getting up and leaving the table, his face bright red and sweating with frustration. Nick held back another laugh as he watched him storm off, continuing his dinner as if nothing had happened. 

 

“Is Brian okay?"  Leighanne asked, looking after her boyfriend. Nick set down his soda and decided now was the perfect time to execute the next part of his plan. 

 

“I'm sure he is fine. Maybe I’ll go check and see if he’s okay?” 

 

Nick wandered off to the bathroom where he indeed found Brian, cursing his name under his breath into the mirror. 

 

“I thought I might find you here.” Nick said sweetly, standing in the doorway with his arms crossed. 

 

“Fuck you, Nick. What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think this is some kind of game or something? In front of my girlfriend?” Brian snapped angrily, his eyes darkening. 

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

 

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, Nick. I’m not interested in being with you. I told you that.” 

 

"I'm not a minor anymore so what's your excuse this time?"

 

"Nick, I don't have feelings for you." Brian stammred. 

 

Nick smirked again, knowing how full of shit Brian was in that moment.

 

“Your boner says otherwise.” 

 

Brian started shaking because he was so angry, his face red. He put up a finger in Nick’s face as if he were about to tell him off and then retracted, sighing. He knew he had no argument. 

 

“Nick, this can’t happen. I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but…” 

 

“But what? What is so wrong with you allowing what you feel? It’s obvious that you feel something.” Nick protested. 

 

“Okay, fine. You’re right...but you and I both know that this isn’t natural. I am not like you, Nick.” 

 

“If you stop being afraid and let me help you it will start to make sense.” Nick replied. 

 

Brian simply shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets. They talked for a while before agreeing that Leighanne was probably wondering what was taking so long and they should head back to the table to finish dinner. 

 

“So what are you going to do about your little problem? You can’t walk out there with a boner.” Nick laughed. Brian wanted to deck Nick for how he was talking to him because he’d never done this before and for some reason he was getting turned on by it. The feelings were so confusing for him because out in the restaurant sat a beautiful girl that he cared for, yet being here with Nick was all he wanted. None of it made sense. 

 

“What am I going to do?” Brian wondered. 

 

“I could help you if you let me."

 

Brian rolled his eyes and then finally looked at Nick expectantly, waiting for him to make a move.

 

Nick didn’t answer, he locked the bathroom door and lifted him up onto the counter where the hand washing sink was, setting him up there while he leaned in to kiss him. This was different from the time Brian had kissed him in the elevator because there was more than just sexual tension behind it. There was feelings behind this kiss. Deepening the kiss, he moved to his neck, down to his shoulder blade where he’d pushed back the button down shirt he was wearing. Ripping the buttons apart, Nick continued down as he felt Brian lean back, allowing him to continue. 

 

“Are you sure about this?” Nick asked. 

 

Brian looked into his eyes and nodded slowly allowing him. Their breathing was synching together. Nick was completely shocked that he didn’t push him away when he kept going. He gripped Brian’s back as he went back up to his lips, his short fingernails grazing his spine underneath his shirt. 

 

“Yes…." Brian moaned. He felt Nick's grip on his pants as he pulled them down gently, the only sound in the room was them breathing. Steadying himself on the counter, Brian was afraid and shaking  but strangely calm while Nick took care of his erection, feeling strangely satisfied. He wondered again if this was really right as he thought of the woman he had now cheated on twice…wondering what was going to happen now that he allowed his feelings to compromise not only his relationship, but now his work and his friendship as well. 

 

The sinking feeling in Brian's stomach told him his suspicions might come sooner than later. He just hoped that they were wrong.


	25. Chapter 25

After their secret rendezvous in the bathroom on Nick’s birthday, he and Brian decided to continue acting like everything was normal between them but they both knew that it wasn’t. Nick had fallen for Brian like a ton of bricks and he was pretty certain that Brian felt the same way about him. Somehow he managed to get Brian to experiment with him but he wanted Brian to be honest with his girlfriend and Brian was too afraid. They stole moments alone when nobody was paying attention, when Leighanne wasn’t around to catch them. It felt even more exciting to Nick that they were breaking the rules.

 

They hid their secret romance during the tour and while it was amazing, Brian was growing more and more anxious that his girlfriend would find out he was cheating on her. While experimenting with Nick was fun, part of him still wanted to be with her even though the romantic feelings were not there at all. He was still seeing Leighanne even though Nick insisted he be honest with her and just break things off. Brian wasn’t ready to fully commit to Nick because he was still very insecure about his own sexuality, not to mention the repercussions of anyone finding out he and Nick were fooling around. So far they had been careful. For Brian it felt great because Nick was helping him quench that lust he had been pushing away. Nick was helping but he also was making him worry about what would happen if they were caught. What would everyone say? Brian would mentally punish himself and give himself anxiety due to all of the doubts he had about being gay. He didn’t understand how Nick could be so comfortable with it and he wasn’t. 

 

Another thing that worried Brian was his impending surgery in May. He’d broken the news to management and they weren’t happy about it. Brian somehow knew this would happen but he didn’t care. He’d promised Leighanne that he would go through with the surgery and he wanted to at least keep one thing he promised her. He could give a shit less what Johnny and Lou thought. As far as he thought, Lou was no longer his manager once the lawsuit went through. This was several months away. 

 

“You guys are in the middle of a tour and have so many things coming up, and you want us to halt everything for you?” Johnny asked during their meeting. 

 

“Johnny, I need this surgery. Unless you want me to collapse in the middle of performing because my heart stops working. I don’t care about the tour. I don’t care about anything but getting better. That won’t happen unless I have the surgery done to fix the hole in my heart.” 

 

“I don’t think you quite understand how much money we lose the more time you take off for this surgery. People want all five Backstreet Boys. They don’t want to see four of them. You’re also one of the lead singers, we can't afford to lose you. Think of the group. What about the other four members that work just as hard as you do. You’re being a little selfish.” 

 

“SELFISH?”

 

“Brian…don’t.” Nick whispered, tugging on him as he stood up to slam his hand on the table. He could feel his heart thumping in his chest with anger. 

 

“You do not need to raise your voice at me, Littrell.” Johnny snapped. Brian shoved Nick off of him and went around to the other side of the table. 

 

“I will raise my voice if I want to, you have no right calling me selfish. Do you not understand that if I do not have this surgery, I could die?” 

 

The others looked on in silence, watching Brian yell at Johnny.

 

“The label doesn’t want to hear it. You signed a contract with Lou. He has the say, you do not. We will give you a few days off for the surgery and that’s it but you have to come back to work.” Johnny said, unfazed by Brian’s sudden temper. 

 

“I don’t give a shit what that fat bastard says. How does he expect me to perform after having open heart surgery? That’s madness.” Brian protested. 

 

“Did Lou really say that?” Kevin asked. Brian was looking around at his bandmates for support during this argument. He was a bit disappointed that nobody was saying anything because they were supposed to be a team. 

 

“Yes, he did. You have things scheduled the week of his surgery, which I was going to get to until Brian decided he wanted to interrupt me. I suggest you sit down and shut up because you have no say in your schedule. These things have already been planned.” 

 

“How can you sit there and tell me that I’m going to be okay to perform after major surgery? You have no idea how serious this is. I’m having the surgery and I’m taking time off whether you guys like it or not. I don’t give a crap at this point. If it comes down to it, I’ll walk.” Brian said, sitting back down next to Nick at the table. 

 

“Now, lets not do anything hasty.” Kevin piped up. 

 

“They don’t care if we are alive or dead as long as we make them money. Don’t any of you see that this is a problem? It was bad enough that Lou was stealing from us and now you want to look away when they’re clearly abusing us too? We are human beings and need rest. All of this is only making my heart condition worse and none of you seem to give a shit.” 

 

“That’s not true,” Howie protested, but fell silent. They all looked at the floor, feeling guilty because Brian was absolutely right. They were all being treated like crap and didn’t seem to notice until their friend poked holes in everything their management was doing. 

 

After the meeting, tensions were high and Brian didn’t speak to anyone the rest of the day but Nick tried to cheer him up by playing a game of basketball. 

 

“They don’t care about us, Nick. We are dollar signs to those people. I wish I’d never signed that stupid contact.” Brian said through gritted teeth as he threw the basketball against the backboard, causing it to bounce off and hit the ground angrily. Nick caught it and dribbled the ball, listening to Brian rant.

 

“But if you didn’t sign that you wouldn’t have met me.” Nick whispered as Brian rolled his eyes.

 

“That’s not what I meant at all. Don’t make this about you. I am just frustrated because nobody seems to care. None of the other guys want to help me take them down and make things better for us. We do all the work so why do we get treated like cash cows?” 

 

“We are suing them so things will be better. We don’t have to deal with them for much longer. I just wish there was something more we could do in the meantime.” Nick replied sadly. Nick agreed with Brian and was trying to do all he could, but Brian just wanted to push everyone away. He was angry all the time. Nick just wanted to fix him and make him better. He wanted Brian to be Brian again, like when they first met. Before everything changed. Before he told him he was gay. Nick sometimes wondered how things would be if he had never told him but was thankful that Brian was starting to get comfortable and warm to him and the idea now. He just wished he didn’t have to share him with Leighanne because he wanted Brian all to himself and no one else. 

 

“There’s nothing we can do right now. You don’t get it because you’re perfectly healthy, Nick. You aren’t teetering between life and death. I am. I just wish I didn't have to do it by myself.” Brian hissed. 

 

“I’m trying to help you. Don’t take it out on me.” 

 

Brian started to feel bad because Nick had been sticking up for him and helping him, had gone with him to the doctors appointments and sat with him many nights listening to him cry because he was so stressed about everything. Nick was there for him the whole way. He didn’t want to push him away now. 

 

“I’m sorry for yelling at you, Frack. I’m just so frustrated with everything. It’s so confusing.” 

 

Nick smiled at him and took him in his arms, bending down to kiss him on the forehead. 

 

“I understand.” 

 

Nick leaned in and kissed him gently, before Brian leaned against his chest, listening to Nick’s heartbeat.

 

Things were bound to keep getting better, weren’t they?


	26. Chapter 26

“So what did you want to do for dinner tonight?” Nick asked as they walked into the recording studio that morning in New York City, thinking maybe he and Brian could steal some time away from the others instead of doing a group meal. Kevin’s girlfriend Kristen was in town so they were doing their own thing. 

 

“I know what you are thinking. We can’t go out to eat. Someone will get suspicious.” Brian whispered, making sure that nobody could hear them. Nick made a face because he was tired of hiding their budding relationship. The two of them used to go out to eat before, why was it a problem now? This was all part of Brian’s paranoia and Nick rolled his eyes. 

 

“Stop being afraid. I keep telling you there is no reason to hide anything. Have you told Leighanne yet?”

 

Brian took off his jacket, sitting down in front of the sound board as they waited for the other guys to show up.

 

“Nick we have been through this a hundred times.“ 

 

“Okay, and I’m going to ask a hundred more times. She deserves to know, Brian. She really likes you and you’re just stringing her along. It’s not fair to her.” Nick said with his arms crossed. The thought that he was being strung along as well never occurred to him, but it did to Brian. Brian was stringing Nick along just like he was stringing Leighanne along and he hated himself for it. 

 

"Fair? This whole thing was your idea, and I’m not telling her that I’m- that I’m-“ 

 

“Gay? Bi? Multicolor? Purple? Jesus, it’s not like you’re going to explode if you tell someone you like men, Brian.” 

 

“You haven’t told anyone.” Brian shot back, and Nick blushed. 

 

“I told you.” Nick said softly. 

 

Brian loved seeing Nick being shy because when they were in private he was anything but. Nick was so comfortable with himself yet he tended to put up a wall and Brian knew it was because of his family. Nick was having a lot of problems with his mother, who was currently trying to publish a book. Nick wasn’t very happy about it because he was worried what she would write in it about him. He hadn’t told his family his secret for this reason and just kept it between himself and Brian. 

 

“Yes, you told me. But are you ever going to tell anybody else? Or are we just going to keep hiding this from everyone? You and I both know we can’t do it forever.” Brian reasoned. This caught Nick off guard because he was constantly telling Brian he shouldn’t hide who he is, yet he was doing the same thing. He felt like a hypocrite. 

 

“You’re right. I just want you to be honest with your girlfriend. Leighanne is a good person and she deserves to know that you and her won’t go anywhere. You owe her that at least. Do you want to keep cheating on her, because I don’t like doing this to her either. I just want you to tell her. Either you break it off or you and I can’t be together anymore.” Nick said, his hands in his pockets as he leaned against the countertop. Brian looked at the floor, thinking. He knew Nick was right but he still cared for Leighanne, even though he wasn’t in love with her. Yet he was having so much fun with Nick, why stop now? He was starting to warm to the idea of who he really was and he felt there was no harm in experimenting. Leighanne was none the wiser. 

 

The two of them were silent for a few moments, 

 

“Please promise me you’ll tell her.” Nick whispered as they heard the guys start walking in. Brian shushed him as AJ and Howie came followed by Kevin. 

 

“Are you guys okay?” Kevin asked, noticing a change in the air. He could sense some tension between them.

 

“Yeah, let’s get going though or we’ll be here all night like last night.” Brian said, recalling how they were recording until well after 2 in the morning the night before. NIck gave him a look as if he were trying to say he wasn’t done talking to him and they would finish later. Brian just focused on the recording session, trying not to think about everything but it was hard not to be distracted. So many things were on his mind. Leighanne, the lawsuit with Lou and his surgery. It was making him anxious and he wasn’t sleeping well because of it. 

 

That night they ended up getting back to the hotel somewhat early so they ordered pizza and ate in silence before Nick started their discussion again.

 

“Brian…” 

 

“I don’t want to talk about that right now, Nick. I’m so stressed that I just need to take my mind off of it for a night. Can’t we do something else?” Brian begged, finishing the last slice of pizza and rubbing his stomach in content. 

 

Nick smirked at him. 

 

“I know what would relax you.” 

 

The two of them got undressed and went into the bathroom, stepping into the shower. 

 

“Kinda a tight fit.” Brian laughed when they were both inside. Nick ignored him and turned the water on, letting the shower fill with steam. 

 

“I’m sorry I upset you earlier today. I just want you to be honest, that’s all. I know you have a lot going on.” 

 

“It’s okay, Nick. I just have so much on my mind.” 

 

Nick got the soap and started to wash Brian, letting his hands slide up and down Brian’s biceps. He massaged his shoulders gently, moving down his back in a circular motion. Brian’s back was so tense it was hard to get any reaction from him. 

 

“You feel really tense. Loosen up some,” he coached him gently, letting himself kiss Brian’s neck as the hot water ran over them. Brian started kissing Nick back, washing him as he had done, and then allowed his hands to follow the lines of Nick’s love handles to his groin. Nick shuddered with pleasure as he felt Brian’s soft,wet hand on his growing penis. His hand moved swiftly yet slowly at the same time while they kissed...Nick’s erection growing the whole time. Brian had never made the first move since they kissed on New Year’s in the elevator in Canada. Nick hoped this was the start of Brian accepting himself for who he was. 

 

“Oh ...Nick…” Brian groaned as he allowed Nick to turn him around and start grinding slowly. It was the first time they had sex. They’d fooled around but not like this. This was different. Different than any kind of sex that Brian had before. At first he shuddered uncomfortably when Nick’s girth entered his backside but he relaxed. 

 

“I’m not hurting you, am I? I’ve never done this before, I only saw it in a movie.” Nick whispered in his ear. Brian shook his head and they continued until they felt pruned from being under the shower too long. 

 

“I take it you’re feeling more relaxed now?” Nick smiled. The two of them got out of the shower and dressed for bed, opting to lay together in Brian’s bed tonight. Brian rested his head on Nick’s chest, feeling a lot less stressed than he had that morning. 

 

“Everything is going to work out, Brian. Don’t get upset.” Nick assured him, stroking the small of his back. Brian sighed contentedly. 

 

“I’m trying not to, Nick. It’s just I feel so alone, like that day in the meeting. Nobody backed me up. I just don’t want to face anything else alone. I’m scared to death of this surgery...then there is the lawsuit. It’s a lot of stress.” 

 

“Look, I’m sorry for not speaking up during that meeting. You have every right to be upset with our management. We all need to band together and get rid of them as soon as this lawsuit is over. Maybe even get a new record label, Kevin said that people will be lining up to sign us if we left RCA.” Nick apologized. Brian nuzzled into his chest more and they talked until Nick fell asleep, but Brian lay awake worrying. 

 

Brian nodded and felt a bit better but the surgery was still worrying him more than anything now that it was getting closer and closer to the date. He knew Nick was there for him the whole way until now...but something was keeping him from leaving Leighanne and he didn’t know what that was. Was he in love with her or was he just fooling himself? As he lay there with Nick, he wondered if he was doing the right thing or not. This felt right but deep down he knew it wasn’t natural and it bothered him. He was stringing both Nick and his girlfriend along and he had to make a choice, but for now he decided to just live in the moment and worry about things later. 

 

Fooling around for a little while longer wouldn’t hurt.


	27. Chapter 27

As it neared Brian’s birthday, Brian got increasingly anxious because he was still cheating on Leighanne and hadn’t made his decision yet. Going over the pros and cons for the last week since he and Nick had sex didn’t make things any easier, especially knowing that Nick possibly had strong feelings for him just as Leighanne did. Recording in New York for the new album was going well and he loved what he did, it was just everything else was weighing him down. Many nights he couldn’t sleep and was thankful he had Nick to talk to. They lay together in bed after their recording sessions talking until they couldn’t keep their eyes open anymore. Brian wished he was as comfortable with himself as Nick was and often wondered how he did it. 

 

Oh, how wrong he was. 

 

Nick didn’t say much during these discussions, he just let Brian vent about everything and kept his own problems to himself because he didn’t want to burden him with any more anxiety. He was happy that Brian had never questioned where Nick saw movies of gay people having sex, because he knew he’d freak out when he found out. AJ and Howie knew though. Not that Nick was gay, but the movies. The three of them had watched many movies at Lou’s house including lesbian porn and gay porn. Something about the gay porn had stirred some thoughts up in Nick and later he realized he was not like the others. It wouldn’t be until later that he discovered he was gay. Even Howie stared at the girls making out with wide eyes because none of them had seen anything like that before. Lou assured them that this all was normal behavior and told them not to tell anyone what they’d seen. They all agreed, and everything went on as usual...well except for Nick being curious. He’d asked questions when the other boys weren’t around because he was so curious. His curiosity lead to discovery and pursuing his feelings for his best friend. He was even more thrilled to find out that Brian had his own secret waiting to be discovered.

 

While Nick appeared comfortable with himself to Brian, he was in fact anything but. Every time he was home he would be reminded by his parents how he could never come out to them because they would not accept him, or at least he knew his father wouldn’t. His dad was not the loving father type, he had an anger problem. He was an alcoholic and often yelled at his mother, or the children. His mom was not much better, but she tried to take the kids to their auditions and manage Aaron’s career when she wasn’t being an alcoholic herself. His siblings would often beg him to stay home because their parents were civil when Nick was around. When he wasn’t there they’d fight over money, or the kids. Nick hoped that when the group hit the big time he could buy his family a big house and they’d never have to fight over money. His home was very dysfunctional and he would give anything to have a family like Brian did. Brian’s parents seemed so much nicer and understanding even though Brian himself had said how religious they were. So Nick would often convince Brian it was okay to tell someone that he too felt different even though he wouldn’t. Somehow he felt that if either of them could do it, it would be him. It was kind of stupid but he hoped that if he saw Brian be okay with himself he would be able to do it too. 

 

“Nick, are you all right?” 

 

Nick was surprised to see Brian awake.

 

“Um...yeah. I was just thinking.” Nick said, shifting and making himself more comfortable. 

 

“Anything you want to talk about? I’m sorry I was kind of a motormouth tonight. I didn’t ask you if you wanted to talk too.” Brian apologized, nuzzling his head into Nick’s chest where they slept. Nick smiled down at him, playing with his hair. Since they started fooling around they were sleeping in one bed, often waking up to one spooning the other, cuddling until the sun came up. The two of them had gotten very comfortable and Nick liked having that comfort available to him every night. He almost preferred this more than being intimate with Brian, and Brian seemed to enjoy it just as much. Not that the sex was bad...but this was pretty good too. 

 

“Nothing important. Go back to sleep. I know you are tired.” Nick whispered with a smile to reassure him. Brian looked at him skeptically before closing his eyes. Nick moved his hand down, tracing down to the the small of Brian’s back with his thumb until he could tell he fell back asleep. As he listened to his heartbeat he could hear that it was irregular and it was even more real to him that Brian was about to have the surgery to fix the hole in his heart. He knew Brian was worried about the surgery so he decided not to tell him anything that would upset him more. Listening to him snore softly, it wasn’t until dawn that Nick allowed himself to finally rest. 

 

“You all right, Nick? You look so tired.” 

 

“Huh?” 

 

Nick didn't realize he’d fallen asleep sitting up at the restaurant where the guys were all having breakfast that morning. 

 

“Oh, I’m okay Kevin.” 

 

“You don’t look like you’re okay to me.” Kevin said, raising an eyebrow. Nick ignored him and finished his food as the others were talking. Nobody else brought it up again and it was just fine with him. 

 

That night when their recording session was done, Nick was headed up the elevator to the floor where their rooms were when Kevin held the door open and smiled. 

 

“I’m coming up. Do you mind?” 

 

Nick didn’t say anything, he just nodded and Kevin stepped on. It was just the two of them alone and for a minute, nobody said anything. Nick felt so anxious about lying to Kevin because he wasn’t fine at all. 

 

“Kev…”

 

Kevin turned to him, raising an eyebrow at the sudden sound of Nick’s voice. 

 

“Can I talk to you?” Nick asked wearily. Kevin smiled as the elevator reached their floor, putting his arm around Nick’s shoulders and leading him to his room at the end of the hall. He closed the door behind them and Nick sat on the bed, sighing. 

 

“What’s bothering you?” 

 

_"You won't ever tell anyone but me about your secret. You're a hypocrite."_

 

Brian's voice came and went, Nick shook it off. He had to talk to someone. 

 

"You can talk to me about anything." Kevin smiled. 

 

Nick sighed again, running a hand through his hair because he was nervous. Kevin didn’t know everything. How was he going to explain the situation when most of it revolved around him and Brian being together?

 

“It’s hard to explain...I don’t know where to begin.” Nick said as Kevin sat down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing him to reassure him everything was fine. 

 

“You can tell me anything, Nick. I promise.” Kevin repeated. 

 

“Okay.” 

 

Remembering back to when he told Brian his secret, Nick decided not to make Kevin do a pinky promise. He knew Kevin wouldn’t understand so he decided to just come out with it, but it was hard for him. Nick had not told anyone but Brian...how was his cousin going to react when Brian had told him to hide it from everyone?

 

“I guess it all started with Lou…” Nick began, starting one of the hardest conversations of his entire life.

 

Nick told Kevin everything...even some things he never told Brian. How it had all started when he joined the group and for the first time in his life he felt comfortable with other men. He told Kevin about Lou’s movies, about things Lou said to him in private. Things that would have made Brian very angry if he found out during the lawsuit. He told him everything, except the biggest detail of it all, that he was in love with Brian. 

 

Nobody was going to know that secret until he was ready to tell Brian how he felt about him. 

 

“Well? What do you think I should do?” Nick asked after a long pause. Kevin didn’t say anything for a long time, he just seemed like he was thinking about everything. 

 

“So you and Brian have been...um- together?” 

 

Nick nodded.

 

“This is some problem,” Kevin chuckled.

 

Nick started playing with the hem on his t shirt, feeling anxious as he continued. 

 

“I mean, I had to mention it because it’s part of my problem. I’m sorry you had to find out this way about your cousin. I don’t want to say he is gay because he doesn’t even know yet and it’s not my place to out him. That was not my intention, and I’m sorry if I’m freaking you out, we can pretend I didn’t say anything and just act like it didn’t happen if you want to.” Nick said quickly, blushing even harder. Kevin could tell he was getting upset and he raised a hand for him to stop. 

 

“No, it’s fine. Nick. I never want you to be ashamed of who you are. I want you to know that I am proud of you for being so brave and telling me. I’m going to help you.” 

 

Nick blinked at him in surprise, not expecting this type of response after how Brian had reacted. Kevin put his arms around him and hugged him, it felt like a weight lifted off of him to tell another person his secret. 

 

It felt even better that Kevin accepted him. At least that was a start. 

 

Now all he had to do was figure out the situation with Brian and everything would go back to normal again.


End file.
